A chuckle to share....

so important to laugh.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TzwU1aMomDg

Ok. so here's another one. Too fun!

Your Personality Cluster is Introverted Thinking

You are: Objective, honest, and credible Intellectually curious, with many diverse interests More inclined toward ideas than people Fiercely independent and unapologetically unconventional

What's Your Personality Cluster?

So now it is my turn....

You Are A Pine Tree

You love agreeable company, peace, and harmony. Compassionate and friendly, you love to help others. A natural poet, you have a very active imagination. You are very soft on the inside - needing affection and reassurance. You can fall in love deeply, but you will leave if you feel betrayed.

What's Your Celtic Horoscope?

Friends

I realize it is time for an update on my blog.

Today I find myself thinking about friendship. The attached photograph are three very important people to me. There are others that I could include, but I will attempt to keep it simple.

My life has changed much over the past year and especially recently. I have been forced to look at some personal issues that have weighed heavily on my heart and mind. Fortunately, I have a wonderful support system to remind me that I am not alone no matter what occurs in my life. I am truly grateful for it because I have experienced isolation from others when I had to make some very difficult decisions in the past. Obviously, I survived, but I find that I am so appreciative to have friends that genuinely care about my well being. I know in my heart that God has provided them to remind me of what matters in life.

No More Lies

Thinking about the story of Pinocchio tonight. That particular story has so much truth in it. Pinocchio had such a hard time telling the truth and kept hurting himself and those around him. Lies and deceit create prisons around those who are guilty of them and are impossible to escape. That is unless we are willing to look at and admit the truth. Maybe we could see ourselves more clearly and move on with our lives instead of spinning our wheels. The last aspect of our lies is the incredible hurt we place on those that care for us. What people do not know does hurt them.

so here's some more pictures from crew. Includes Pepper, Wendy, Ginger & Abigail.

Love those puppies.

Happy thoughts!

Conviction of character

Plagued by insomnia again. Thoughts of those around me. Last night I was having trouble articulating my feelings, but I think it is becoming more clear to me.

I am frustrated by the changes in personality people take on in certain settings. Losing track of the things or people in life that matter to play games with others. Losing track of their self and behaving in self-destructive ways. Lastly, leaving people closest to them feeling disrespected. With a final result of disrespecting ourselves to obtain some immediate need may impact the situation or feelings of individuals most committed to us. The most committed people being the ones that love us for who we are minus all our bullshit and want things that will make us genuinely happier people. Those that push and motivate us to develop our true potential to become truly comfortable with who we are and learn to love ourselves.

a little ditty

Get Your Sexy Name

So here's to you Katie & Jayne!

so what do you all think?

is it true?

These pictures reminded me of my reef tank that I had for over 5 years. At one point, this particular fish (copper banded butterfly)lived in it with bluefish (aka blue damsal) & misc others.

Copper banded butterfly are very difficult to care for and unfortunately he did not survive. However, Bluefish lived for almost 5 years. The interesting story surrounding bluefish is that he was on the verge of death because this yellow tang kept picking on him so much, but once I removed the tang from the tank, Bluefish recovered and returned to his old self.

I learned so much about creating an ecosystem for marine life in that time. Everything was alive inside the tank and dependant on each other for their survival. Right down to the tiny organisms you could only see floating around in the water at night using a flashlight. I really enjoyed that aspect of the entire experience of the tank. I had polyps, mushrooms, corals, anemones, snails, shrimp and various other organisms that assisted in some way of maintaining the tank. Live rock was essential to the system.

I find so many parallels between what I learned about reef tanks and personal responsibility. Everything that existed inside it, needed each other. It became very clear to me how each of us are connected to each other and that when we believe our actions or choices will not affect another person, we are lying to ourselves. That may appear to be a leap to some, but I honestly believe that nature is a model for us to learn from when we are uncertain how to make decisions in life. The answers to life are simple, but are difficult to face because we have so much that we do not wish to let go. Maybe in time we as a species will open our eyes and take care and value what we are fortunate to have.

Abigail

Sitting here with my little dog, Abigail, I think about all that has happened since adopting her over 3 years ago. My life has changed radically, but she has remained a constant in my life. That is why she is so special to me.



Yet, I love my other puppies very much too. Ginger, Pepper & Wendy.

Darn't! I would love to post a picture of them, but I am having some difficulty locating them on hard drive for some reason. Trust me, they are all very darling and sweet!

Well, this will be a short one, but decided I needed to write a bit.

here i sit.

Just a teensy little update.

I am continuing to plug away in my chemistry class and have my first test in February. Much work ahead of me yet, but it can be done.

The bathroom in house has some minor work remaining on it, but I think that could be completed next week. I need to find a nice shade of almond/light brown for trim and doorways. It should go well with the dark sage green on walls. The sink and toilet look fabulous, though!

Pictures need to go up on walls too! Paint color choices for living room are still being discussed and negotiated with interested parties as well!

Cleaning the backyard in another pending project. Fortunately, the weather is improving and see it being handled sometime soon. Fixing fence and gate is first priority, but some trees would be really great. I love the weeping willow and bamboo in backyard, but a few more trees would look fabulous!

Regardless, of how overwhelming it might seem to handle all these tasks on house and need for money to do it all, I still love this little old house. It means a lot to me and I want to continue working on it and making it a home. It is funny how a house can represent so much more to us. I know it is just a thing and could be lost at any given moment, but I will do whatever is necessary within my power to keep it.

There is also someone that I have chose to share it with and I think it may be starting to matter to them as well. It is all in my entry "yours, mine & ours." It is never easy to bring another person into certain areas of our lives because there is a lot of trust involved in the act. Yet, we need to learn to trust and sometimes it requires a physical action to do so. Risky as all hell, but I know in my heart it is the best way to heal some damage from past. The healing process just isn't that smooth, at moments. See what I mean when I say the house symbolizes much to me. Not simple at all.

I realize that I could choose to remain very private about my life, but there is nothing that I reveal in my blogs that I feel the need to be secretive about. Quite frankly, cannot handle secretive behavior very well anymore. I have had my share of them and it has always hurt me in past. Therefore, I am done with it. Who I am does not need to be hidden so much anymore to the world. Those who know me personally may share a different opinion, but in all honesty, I have never lied about who I am or the things in life that truly matter to me. Just held back certain parts of myself when I feel uncertain regarding others intentions. Simply practical in life, y'know.

Yesterday, was the birthday of a close friend of mine. We ate food, cake (we even sang to her and she was not fond of it!) and sang karaoke songs into the wee hours of the night. I think she had a good time and that makes me feel good to know that because she has been through much in past year.

I think this may be a good spot to wrap this up. Watching "Six Feet Under" (loved the show) and my new favorite is "Dirt". Seems rather clever. Most important task of day is to study. Must not let that get by me. Procrastinate now! Just kidding.

Matter, molecules & atoms

I have recently returned to school and have started with chemistry class. A class that I have not been successful in past, but feel fairly certain I can get through it this time.

School is an unnerving topic for me at moments, but I think the time may have finally arrived when I am mature enough to do it.

The theory of combustion was interesting amongst the beginning info thus far.

Let's see where it leads me.

Yours...Mine....Ours

My thought for the day is a simple one. These particular words seem to hold a lot of confusion and difficulty in them. Convenience is another word occasionally associated with these three words.

I am not much of a believer in convenience because that often leads us down the incorrect path when we are making decisions on how to handle a situation. Most likely it will not be the high road.

Yours, mine and ours have another issue with them. For example, if we have chose to bring another person into the "ours" it should be seen as a very meaningful action. Another common misunderstanding is the possession associated with those words. It seems to me, that if we have chose to bring someone into the "ours" aspect of our life that "we" will travel with it. The use of word "we" does not indicate possession to me either with the correct intention. We have chose to partner with someone in life for whatever length it is meant to last. I think in midst of all the chaos of world and human relationships, that it is important to have conviction and stand by those who care the most about who we are. It is an acknowledgement of what another person means to us when we use the words "mine, we" etc. Respect for other person is tied into use of them for me. Our individualism/identity always remains intact when someone truly loves us for who we are because they are genuinely interested in good things happening for person they care for.

This is why I have chosen not to blindly buy into the massive idea of individualism that has taken over our society. It has created a selfish society and we are all paying for it at moments in our lives. It prevents us from staying committed to each other and leaves me with sad feeling when I think about the damage it has done to people's lives.

This is why language is so damn important to me. Not that my use of it is always eloquent, but it is all very meaningful.

Feel the need to call it quits for now. Much ahead of me to accomplish next week.

New Curtains! 2007

It is amazing what some new curtains will do for a room. A good cleaning of the house is helpful too.

I woke up feeling a little different today. Honestly, a little hung over, but brought in the new year dancing and having fun with friends. First time I have been awake for new year in about 5 years too. Danced with my significant other....kissed at midnight....Muy romantico!

See the possibilities for better year. 2006 was tough year and brought many changes to my life. Made some tough decisions last year and have continued to stand by them. A lot of personal choices involving respecting myself. Strangley enough , not always easy to do in life.

Seeing the bullshit for what it is and realizing it is time for me to move on past it. I will continue to work through my stuff and hold onto the spirit that has kept me going this long through some very difficult stuff.

Just need to keep my eye on the prize.

insomnia

First bit of insomnia in long time. Not really caring for it at this moment either.

Saw something last night which still concerns me. Uncertain how to process or deal with it. Wish the answers were more clear. Although, the answers to life are often simple and uncomplicated. I should know this by now.

Outside of that feeling...I had a pleasant evening spending time with friend. We chatted much and made me realize how much I enjoy her company.

going to let it all spin and see how it turns out!

remembering....

The last few days my brother has been crossing my mind a little more frequently than usual. Funny how certain times of year can bring those thoughts the the forefront of your mind. I will have to think of where to start with my brother, Mark.

It is difficult to figure out where to start when I think about him. He was 9 years old than me and a huge fan of physics, mechanical engineering, black sabbath, queen, cabinet building and miscellaneous other things. His laugh is still in my memory and had an entertaining sense of humor at times. Mark was also very literal minded.....had a little trouble getting jokes at times, but then again I can relate to that! He joined the army not too long after graduating from college and served over in Kuwait in the 1990s. He briefly worked for US government at one point, but found himself in confusion over the type of weapon he was assisting in designing, offensive or defensive. Mark was definitely troubled by realities of life and in the end went too far and decided to check out early.

I remember the day well. It was February 27th, 1994, the day before my birthday. My mother called and told me that they found Mark's body in his yellow cadillac out in country. I hated those cars for years when I think of my sister's description of what she found in that car afterwards. It left me with a maddening feeling inside. He was only 31 years old.

I was angry at him for many years following this event. There were other actions of his that surround his suicide that I choose to not go into, but they left me with a strange mixture of feelings toward him.

I hated some of the things he had done to other people....saw him as coward for not standing up and dealing with his life.....felt pity for him because I sensed he suffered greatly inside for long time.....angry with his self destructive behavior when he had so much potential.... Although, one the hardest parts was not being able to really get to know each other as adults. I still wish I could see him as a 44 year old man right now, but as my uncle stated Mark will be forever young in all our minds while the rest of us age.

However, I loved my brother and know he loved me the best he could love anyone. Somehow my sister and myself managed to survive all the BS along the way and come out okay. I only wish Mark had been able to do the same. Yet in my heart I have learned to forgive him and show him mercy. I prayed for him much over the years that his soul would finally be at peace along with all of ours left behind. Strangely enough the experience with my brother has taught me to be merciful toward those that the rest of the world would choose to condemn. He has taught me that human life is sacred and will always remain that way in my mind and heart. Maybe he has left a lot of good behind.

I find myself looking for brothers in some men since his passing. Some have been brothers a for brief period of time and I remember them well. Though there were sometimes problems with misunderstandings occurring with my intentions since they were not sexual or romantic in nature. It has taught me to be wiser in my friendships with men to not create confusion. But that is another story. This is about my brother.

I will always love and remember you well.

love you Mark!
Rach

scattered update

Let's keep this simple. I am struggling with a bit right now...attempting to keep the balls in the air and droppig a few moments and starting again.

Knowing the direction that i wish to head, but encountering some hiccups along the way. hiccups....good word to describe bumps in road.

feeling much better about my birthday next february. good thing.

still uncertain of specific people's intentions, but trying to keep perspective on them. my bit of wisdom and experience should be beneficial somewhere. just have a lot of human emotion get in way at moments. just find the hypocrisy overwhelming at times. hope those close to me see things for what they really are with others and appreciate what they do have that is genuine and true in their life.

still am stangely sentimental about not very good things....eg. enjoying the character on show that is emotionally severed. still drawn to dark side of life, but do not wish to reside there simultaneously. see my conflict. make my peace with conflict.

looking forward to first christmas with my significant other and friends. feeling pretty good about most of my relationships/friendships.

thinking in scattered thoughts....obviously!

remember how much i love corny jokes...watched "wayne's world" the other night. still makes me chuckle and laugh out loud.

looking forward to seeing little kids performing in christmas pageant today. too darn cute!

done with random thoughts for now.

The Truth?

So I was remembered the play "the children's hour" this evening. It had such an impact on me that I begin to wonder about the particular topic of lies or the act of lying. The destructiveness of lies.



I have witnessed those close to me telling me things that I knew were untrue and yet I chose to not call them on it because it was typically something minor. The part that mystified me the most is to lie about ridiculous things. Maybe I also did not say anything because I knew that person was not ready to deal with that info either. Doesn't the person telling the lie consider the fact that the other party may see through it? Maybe that is a rhetorical question, but it often makes me wonder. My mother chronically lied and recreated the past. There is a trigger in this for me. Deception and secretiveness leave me with a bad feeling inside my stomach. I am attempting to play it straight with others now, not necessarily perfect, but trying. All just makes me so uncomfortable inside.

Unfortunately, I am finding that some I have known are putting on a face and providing words to me that contradict their behavior. There is a particular person that I very recently was very direct with regarding an uncomfortable situation between us. Their emotional demands and need for attention of those around them can also be burdensome. Yet I found myself attempting to be very compassionate toward them due to their lack of life experience. In other words, I wanted to help this person get a glimmer of why certain behavior may not be good idea for reasons and advised them that if they ever found themselves in bad or scary situation to call me. I absolutely meant it too. I remember being single/partying and not always feeling like there was someone to call at tough moments. I felt like we arrived in a pretty good place with each other after talking, but I am sensing and witnessing actions that contradict their interest in friendship with me. My intuition is leaving me with a feeling that this person is in a deceptive stage of their life and that I will need to be very careful with them.

It is a little unnerving inside me right now. Hopefully, time will provide me with answers.

counselor meeting today

let's see what the possibilities for future hold. wish me luck!

ok so there needs to be additional blog

not backpeddling because i believe in having safe places to express your feelings free of judgement of world. however, i see a need to add something to my previous blog.

life is truly uncertain and relationships (includes all) are always going to be trying and difficult. yet, i know that it is all leading somewhere. somewhere fantastic! unknown, but maybe that is what makes it so much better in my heart and mind.

need to figure out some of these things. much to ponder.

received some good advise from someone i respected tonight. related to how people want to force others into their space when someone else does not appear to be where they think that person should be. for example, attempting to pressure another to smile when maybe that person is doing fine not smiling and would prefer not putting up a front to make life easier for everyone else. maybe it is okay to let someone be who they are. the tough part is, what is about who we are as people and what part of it is our own personal bullshit or defense mechanisms we use to avoid dealing with our baggage.

that appears to be the challenge. to find the substance of ourselves and other people. yet give up and look at our own bullshit that prevents us from moving on with our lives. not an easy task. i know there are things/behaviors that i hold onto that hurt others and myself. know they need to change in time as well. maybe not a 180 degree change, but at least an earnest effort for the people i care about.

maybe the people that genuinely care about me are worth it. especially, because working through some hard stuff will help me feel better about myself in long run.

maybe it is time for change. seems to be a lot of that this past year. i will definitely remember 2006. lessons learned. many. friends gained. yes. good possibilities in future. yes.



essentially it is difficult figuring out what is important.