The last few weeks I have been slowly moving into house just purchased. It has been both stressful and fabuolous at the same time. Most peculiar feeling at moments. It is a lovely little home with so much potential. I believe it has been beneficial to me.
Andy(aka Kowboi) and myself are now officially living together. Everything seems good between us and I think we both feel happy with our relationship. It is imperfect enough that it feels very real. I have never chosen a companion based on compatibility expectations, but I have always looked to the heart and soul of the person. I saw Andy's heart and giving nature and knew he was the right man for me. It is also fortunate because we appear to want a lot of the same things out of life. Strange how life accidentally throws us into something that we are initially afraid/skeptical of, but end up realizing that it was a blessing. Wonderful aspect of it all!
I started to train again in acting and am enjoying it thus far. I am going to prepare a monologue for next meeting and hopefully be chosen to perform it at function. We shall see. Such a rush to be do all that acting stuff! Major fun in my book!
Maybe life is coming together in a whole new way. Possibly being reinvented.....
Just waiting for results of reinvention!
Tee hee!
Tuesday, September 26, 2006
Thursday, September 14, 2006
Saturday, September 09, 2006
Changes, Control & St. Mary Magdalena
Yesterday, I experienced a significant change in my life. Something that I counted on and thought was okay, was ended without my consent. Each time one of those moments have occurred in my life, it has always reminded me how little control we have over our lives. I have witnessed myself attempt to control my life through various means for many years now. However, in the past 8 years or so, it has become abundantly clear that my attempts were based on an illusion.
Control has been an area of struggle in my life. I sought "to control" what I could because it became obvious to me early on in my life that the world/life/people were in midst of chaos. So I went on strange journey seeking to manage myself in extreme situations, at times. I developed a strange wisdom from my struggles with control. I have seen quite a few kids dealing with their own feelings of lack of control over their lives. Maybe I have been helpful to these children that I have cared for at different periods of my life because of my experiences. Maybe I will be better with my own children someday for these experiences.
Last night I read the prayer on the back of St. Maria Madalena. Paraphrased: when others were ready to condemn her, Jesus accepted her with all her imperfections and she in turn accepted him. To think she was a prostitute that the people were ready to stone to death and Jesus stood up for her without fear of judgment. I think he was quoted as saying "he who is free of sin may cast the first stone." Everyone walked away from her and left her on the ground. Jesus reached for her and helped her up.
Now I told the above story because loss of control and unexpected changes in life seem to fit into this category. Those situtations can temporarily strip your confidence and leave one feeling heavily judged by others. Humans are often guilty of harsh judgements of each other and ourselves as well. I see how judged I feel right now even though it is not completely rational in ways. I am attempting to keep track of the good that is in my life right now and knowing in my heart that everything truly does happen for a reason.
The good things in my life: life/house/home with Andy, my friends and family, Abigail (my dog), my faith that seems to endure though shaken at times and possibilities for future. I remember the things that make my smile. Watching Abigail run around and play, Andy's silly sense of humor and child-like energy for life, hearing my niece laugh and talk, dancing with my sister, singing with my family, karaoke with Nicki, Wayne's World (always makes me laugh), sky at night when the trees look almost black, snow covered mountains, my memories with my grandparents & few thoughts about my brother that make me chuckle when I remember him.
Well, I think I am done for now.
There will likely be more thoughts in future.
Control has been an area of struggle in my life. I sought "to control" what I could because it became obvious to me early on in my life that the world/life/people were in midst of chaos. So I went on strange journey seeking to manage myself in extreme situations, at times. I developed a strange wisdom from my struggles with control. I have seen quite a few kids dealing with their own feelings of lack of control over their lives. Maybe I have been helpful to these children that I have cared for at different periods of my life because of my experiences. Maybe I will be better with my own children someday for these experiences.
Last night I read the prayer on the back of St. Maria Madalena. Paraphrased: when others were ready to condemn her, Jesus accepted her with all her imperfections and she in turn accepted him. To think she was a prostitute that the people were ready to stone to death and Jesus stood up for her without fear of judgment. I think he was quoted as saying "he who is free of sin may cast the first stone." Everyone walked away from her and left her on the ground. Jesus reached for her and helped her up.
Now I told the above story because loss of control and unexpected changes in life seem to fit into this category. Those situtations can temporarily strip your confidence and leave one feeling heavily judged by others. Humans are often guilty of harsh judgements of each other and ourselves as well. I see how judged I feel right now even though it is not completely rational in ways. I am attempting to keep track of the good that is in my life right now and knowing in my heart that everything truly does happen for a reason.
The good things in my life: life/house/home with Andy, my friends and family, Abigail (my dog), my faith that seems to endure though shaken at times and possibilities for future. I remember the things that make my smile. Watching Abigail run around and play, Andy's silly sense of humor and child-like energy for life, hearing my niece laugh and talk, dancing with my sister, singing with my family, karaoke with Nicki, Wayne's World (always makes me laugh), sky at night when the trees look almost black, snow covered mountains, my memories with my grandparents & few thoughts about my brother that make me chuckle when I remember him.
Well, I think I am done for now.
There will likely be more thoughts in future.
Saturday, August 05, 2006
home purchase & misc
So this is my first entry in few weeks. I think I fell into one of my modes of not wanting to document my feelings. Not sure of origin of these periods, but do occur on occasion. However, I am going to move past it right now.
I think my professional life may finally be settling down. It was very stressful for the last month and a half or so. Difficulty with co-workers and general frustration with environment. Witnessing massive inconsistencies in allowed behaviors was irritating the hell out of me. Although, I have a feeling in my gut based on conversation with "higher up" that situation will be dealt with and that they are happy with my work. I knew I was good at my job, but some ongoing stress from a few months ago, affected my ability to focus at times. A stressor that is much better now that a few issues have been resolved.
Maybe I should acknowledge what the "stressor" is rather than be cryptic. Divorce is never a pleasant topic, but something many of us have dealt with in our lives. No matter how clean or clear your feelings are surrounding that person, it is extremely difficult to manage in mind and heart. For me it was scary/sad/maddening/frustrating to admit that all my attempts to keep the relationship together were never going to alter the essential problems in it. It was quite literally beyond my control or ability to care for another human being. There was simply too much unresolved anger and fear in his past for me to ever reach him. Thus, we have a situation where the division grew over time and it became more difficult to forgive the cruel statements, threats to leave me, attempts to isolate me from my family in his moments of insane insecurity. I was always very forgiving of the insecurities because I understood my own so well. I felt like he needed to be shown mercy/love/etc. and provided opportunity to move on past his internal struggles. The problem was that he has a very difficult time reciprocating those virtues to me. There were times it left me feeling so empty that I just wanted to disappear and asked God to let me pass away from this existence. I know how that may sound, but I reached a point that touched on despair. I would pray to God and the intersession of the saints, but unfortunately, I was just too worn out by then. When I told him that I was leaving, I felt so sad for him. He broke down in tears in front of me, but all my love for him had dissolved by that point. It was just too late. I felt sad for him, but I knew he was not going to be able to change those parts of him that caused me so much pain over those 5 yrs rapidly enough for me to hold on anymore. It was done and all I wanted to do was pick up pieces and move on with my life. The last time I emailed him, I told him that I would always remember what was good and the fun we had together in our relationship. I knew he was a good person at heart even though I could not be with him anymore. I stated my regrets for what I did wrong and told him we would probably never speak or see each other in life again. He understood and that was end.
I am not angry with him anymore. The hurt has become irrelevant and is in process healing inside me. Unfortunately, the scars from the hurt are still visible at moments, but I know they are currently under construction. That is okay in my opinion right now. I have watched the movie "Upside of Anger" about a zillion times over last 6 months. I sympathized with the lead female very much. A man she becomes involved with through friendship tells her that she can love again, but that the hurt heals a little funny and you walk with a limp for a while. Yet it does not disqualify your ability to come back around to love. I paraphrased the line, but that is what it meant to me. I do walk with a limp "emotionally" at moments, but I also walk very strong and certain at other moments. I know that I will be okay and that my life is really good now. I have someone that I have fallen heavy and he is bloody amazing in my book! We have some tough areas between us, but I think we have something really special together with so much potential as well.
I am in process of purchasing a house right now and am very excited about it. It is what I have intended to do since moving back from Seattle. I feel like I am making my life better in ways and that God is providing for me as well. I will always stand by my faith because I know that there is one place that I will always be accepted and shown mercy for who I am no matter what I have done in my life or struggle with inside myself. I also feel that I have been provided with a few good friends that really care about my well being and I about theirs. All very good stuff. I laugh so much more often now and feel so much better these days. Like the direction my life has taken and have much hope for future.
all for now.
I think my professional life may finally be settling down. It was very stressful for the last month and a half or so. Difficulty with co-workers and general frustration with environment. Witnessing massive inconsistencies in allowed behaviors was irritating the hell out of me. Although, I have a feeling in my gut based on conversation with "higher up" that situation will be dealt with and that they are happy with my work. I knew I was good at my job, but some ongoing stress from a few months ago, affected my ability to focus at times. A stressor that is much better now that a few issues have been resolved.
Maybe I should acknowledge what the "stressor" is rather than be cryptic. Divorce is never a pleasant topic, but something many of us have dealt with in our lives. No matter how clean or clear your feelings are surrounding that person, it is extremely difficult to manage in mind and heart. For me it was scary/sad/maddening/frustrating to admit that all my attempts to keep the relationship together were never going to alter the essential problems in it. It was quite literally beyond my control or ability to care for another human being. There was simply too much unresolved anger and fear in his past for me to ever reach him. Thus, we have a situation where the division grew over time and it became more difficult to forgive the cruel statements, threats to leave me, attempts to isolate me from my family in his moments of insane insecurity. I was always very forgiving of the insecurities because I understood my own so well. I felt like he needed to be shown mercy/love/etc. and provided opportunity to move on past his internal struggles. The problem was that he has a very difficult time reciprocating those virtues to me. There were times it left me feeling so empty that I just wanted to disappear and asked God to let me pass away from this existence. I know how that may sound, but I reached a point that touched on despair. I would pray to God and the intersession of the saints, but unfortunately, I was just too worn out by then. When I told him that I was leaving, I felt so sad for him. He broke down in tears in front of me, but all my love for him had dissolved by that point. It was just too late. I felt sad for him, but I knew he was not going to be able to change those parts of him that caused me so much pain over those 5 yrs rapidly enough for me to hold on anymore. It was done and all I wanted to do was pick up pieces and move on with my life. The last time I emailed him, I told him that I would always remember what was good and the fun we had together in our relationship. I knew he was a good person at heart even though I could not be with him anymore. I stated my regrets for what I did wrong and told him we would probably never speak or see each other in life again. He understood and that was end.
I am not angry with him anymore. The hurt has become irrelevant and is in process healing inside me. Unfortunately, the scars from the hurt are still visible at moments, but I know they are currently under construction. That is okay in my opinion right now. I have watched the movie "Upside of Anger" about a zillion times over last 6 months. I sympathized with the lead female very much. A man she becomes involved with through friendship tells her that she can love again, but that the hurt heals a little funny and you walk with a limp for a while. Yet it does not disqualify your ability to come back around to love. I paraphrased the line, but that is what it meant to me. I do walk with a limp "emotionally" at moments, but I also walk very strong and certain at other moments. I know that I will be okay and that my life is really good now. I have someone that I have fallen heavy and he is bloody amazing in my book! We have some tough areas between us, but I think we have something really special together with so much potential as well.
I am in process of purchasing a house right now and am very excited about it. It is what I have intended to do since moving back from Seattle. I feel like I am making my life better in ways and that God is providing for me as well. I will always stand by my faith because I know that there is one place that I will always be accepted and shown mercy for who I am no matter what I have done in my life or struggle with inside myself. I also feel that I have been provided with a few good friends that really care about my well being and I about theirs. All very good stuff. I laugh so much more often now and feel so much better these days. Like the direction my life has taken and have much hope for future.
all for now.
Wednesday, July 19, 2006
My First HNT! Eeeek!
Friday, July 07, 2006
house hunting
So I have concluded to purchase a home. Specifically an older home with character and yard (within my budget, of course). Something I have intended since my return to Fresno 5 years ago.
I love sitting in backyard on a porch swing with my dog "Abigail". Mostly she hangs out by me or falls asleep on lap. That is unless she see birds in yard and she charges after them. Very speedy little girl. Fortunate, she is in good place right now because my beau was very generous to take her in while I attempted to find house. Abigail developed a liking for him almost immediately. He definitely has good ju ju (sp?)! The equivelant of having your child like a person is what I base Abigail's reaction on.
Have a bit to do today so I will stop for now. Although, I will say that we went to see "Pirates of Caribbean (new one)" last night with Jayne. Very fun. Jayne is so much fun to chat with too. Good perspective on people as well. Another new & interesting female friend. Very cool!
I love sitting in backyard on a porch swing with my dog "Abigail". Mostly she hangs out by me or falls asleep on lap. That is unless she see birds in yard and she charges after them. Very speedy little girl. Fortunate, she is in good place right now because my beau was very generous to take her in while I attempted to find house. Abigail developed a liking for him almost immediately. He definitely has good ju ju (sp?)! The equivelant of having your child like a person is what I base Abigail's reaction on.
Have a bit to do today so I will stop for now. Although, I will say that we went to see "Pirates of Caribbean (new one)" last night with Jayne. Very fun. Jayne is so much fun to chat with too. Good perspective on people as well. Another new & interesting female friend. Very cool!
Saturday, July 01, 2006
FIRST OFFICIAL BLOG
So eggs are being cooked in kitchen...yummy! love them over easy so you can sop up yolk w/ toast. Although, soft-cooked eggs on toast on pretty tasteo as well! Souffles are tough to pull off & need to be served immediately. I made my dad a souffle one summer when I stayed with him. I was sixteen at time. I served homemade cheesecake with it. He was most impressed.
I am feeling pretty good today. A little spacey, but manageable just the same. Last night, Andy & I spent the evening with Marcel. Good conversation at Veni Vidi Vici & Lipari's. Love to chat with people.
Looks like my fabulous eggs are ready. must eat.
all for now.....
I am feeling pretty good today. A little spacey, but manageable just the same. Last night, Andy & I spent the evening with Marcel. Good conversation at Veni Vidi Vici & Lipari's. Love to chat with people.
Looks like my fabulous eggs are ready. must eat.
all for now.....
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