home purchase & misc

So this is my first entry in few weeks. I think I fell into one of my modes of not wanting to document my feelings. Not sure of origin of these periods, but do occur on occasion. However, I am going to move past it right now.

I think my professional life may finally be settling down. It was very stressful for the last month and a half or so. Difficulty with co-workers and general frustration with environment. Witnessing massive inconsistencies in allowed behaviors was irritating the hell out of me. Although, I have a feeling in my gut based on conversation with "higher up" that situation will be dealt with and that they are happy with my work. I knew I was good at my job, but some ongoing stress from a few months ago, affected my ability to focus at times. A stressor that is much better now that a few issues have been resolved.

Maybe I should acknowledge what the "stressor" is rather than be cryptic. Divorce is never a pleasant topic, but something many of us have dealt with in our lives. No matter how clean or clear your feelings are surrounding that person, it is extremely difficult to manage in mind and heart. For me it was scary/sad/maddening/frustrating to admit that all my attempts to keep the relationship together were never going to alter the essential problems in it. It was quite literally beyond my control or ability to care for another human being. There was simply too much unresolved anger and fear in his past for me to ever reach him. Thus, we have a situation where the division grew over time and it became more difficult to forgive the cruel statements, threats to leave me, attempts to isolate me from my family in his moments of insane insecurity. I was always very forgiving of the insecurities because I understood my own so well. I felt like he needed to be shown mercy/love/etc. and provided opportunity to move on past his internal struggles. The problem was that he has a very difficult time reciprocating those virtues to me. There were times it left me feeling so empty that I just wanted to disappear and asked God to let me pass away from this existence. I know how that may sound, but I reached a point that touched on despair. I would pray to God and the intersession of the saints, but unfortunately, I was just too worn out by then. When I told him that I was leaving, I felt so sad for him. He broke down in tears in front of me, but all my love for him had dissolved by that point. It was just too late. I felt sad for him, but I knew he was not going to be able to change those parts of him that caused me so much pain over those 5 yrs rapidly enough for me to hold on anymore. It was done and all I wanted to do was pick up pieces and move on with my life. The last time I emailed him, I told him that I would always remember what was good and the fun we had together in our relationship. I knew he was a good person at heart even though I could not be with him anymore. I stated my regrets for what I did wrong and told him we would probably never speak or see each other in life again. He understood and that was end.

I am not angry with him anymore. The hurt has become irrelevant and is in process healing inside me. Unfortunately, the scars from the hurt are still visible at moments, but I know they are currently under construction. That is okay in my opinion right now. I have watched the movie "Upside of Anger" about a zillion times over last 6 months. I sympathized with the lead female very much. A man she becomes involved with through friendship tells her that she can love again, but that the hurt heals a little funny and you walk with a limp for a while. Yet it does not disqualify your ability to come back around to love. I paraphrased the line, but that is what it meant to me. I do walk with a limp "emotionally" at moments, but I also walk very strong and certain at other moments. I know that I will be okay and that my life is really good now. I have someone that I have fallen heavy and he is bloody amazing in my book! We have some tough areas between us, but I think we have something really special together with so much potential as well.

I am in process of purchasing a house right now and am very excited about it. It is what I have intended to do since moving back from Seattle. I feel like I am making my life better in ways and that God is providing for me as well. I will always stand by my faith because I know that there is one place that I will always be accepted and shown mercy for who I am no matter what I have done in my life or struggle with inside myself. I also feel that I have been provided with a few good friends that really care about my well being and I about theirs. All very good stuff. I laugh so much more often now and feel so much better these days. Like the direction my life has taken and have much hope for future.

all for now.