The last few weeks I have been slowly moving into house just purchased. It has been both stressful and fabuolous at the same time. Most peculiar feeling at moments. It is a lovely little home with so much potential. I believe it has been beneficial to me.
Andy(aka Kowboi) and myself are now officially living together. Everything seems good between us and I think we both feel happy with our relationship. It is imperfect enough that it feels very real. I have never chosen a companion based on compatibility expectations, but I have always looked to the heart and soul of the person. I saw Andy's heart and giving nature and knew he was the right man for me. It is also fortunate because we appear to want a lot of the same things out of life. Strange how life accidentally throws us into something that we are initially afraid/skeptical of, but end up realizing that it was a blessing. Wonderful aspect of it all!
I started to train again in acting and am enjoying it thus far. I am going to prepare a monologue for next meeting and hopefully be chosen to perform it at function. We shall see. Such a rush to be do all that acting stuff! Major fun in my book!
Maybe life is coming together in a whole new way. Possibly being reinvented.....
Just waiting for results of reinvention!
Tee hee!
Tuesday, September 26, 2006
Thursday, September 14, 2006
Saturday, September 09, 2006
Changes, Control & St. Mary Magdalena
Yesterday, I experienced a significant change in my life. Something that I counted on and thought was okay, was ended without my consent. Each time one of those moments have occurred in my life, it has always reminded me how little control we have over our lives. I have witnessed myself attempt to control my life through various means for many years now. However, in the past 8 years or so, it has become abundantly clear that my attempts were based on an illusion.
Control has been an area of struggle in my life. I sought "to control" what I could because it became obvious to me early on in my life that the world/life/people were in midst of chaos. So I went on strange journey seeking to manage myself in extreme situations, at times. I developed a strange wisdom from my struggles with control. I have seen quite a few kids dealing with their own feelings of lack of control over their lives. Maybe I have been helpful to these children that I have cared for at different periods of my life because of my experiences. Maybe I will be better with my own children someday for these experiences.
Last night I read the prayer on the back of St. Maria Madalena. Paraphrased: when others were ready to condemn her, Jesus accepted her with all her imperfections and she in turn accepted him. To think she was a prostitute that the people were ready to stone to death and Jesus stood up for her without fear of judgment. I think he was quoted as saying "he who is free of sin may cast the first stone." Everyone walked away from her and left her on the ground. Jesus reached for her and helped her up.
Now I told the above story because loss of control and unexpected changes in life seem to fit into this category. Those situtations can temporarily strip your confidence and leave one feeling heavily judged by others. Humans are often guilty of harsh judgements of each other and ourselves as well. I see how judged I feel right now even though it is not completely rational in ways. I am attempting to keep track of the good that is in my life right now and knowing in my heart that everything truly does happen for a reason.
The good things in my life: life/house/home with Andy, my friends and family, Abigail (my dog), my faith that seems to endure though shaken at times and possibilities for future. I remember the things that make my smile. Watching Abigail run around and play, Andy's silly sense of humor and child-like energy for life, hearing my niece laugh and talk, dancing with my sister, singing with my family, karaoke with Nicki, Wayne's World (always makes me laugh), sky at night when the trees look almost black, snow covered mountains, my memories with my grandparents & few thoughts about my brother that make me chuckle when I remember him.
Well, I think I am done for now.
There will likely be more thoughts in future.
Control has been an area of struggle in my life. I sought "to control" what I could because it became obvious to me early on in my life that the world/life/people were in midst of chaos. So I went on strange journey seeking to manage myself in extreme situations, at times. I developed a strange wisdom from my struggles with control. I have seen quite a few kids dealing with their own feelings of lack of control over their lives. Maybe I have been helpful to these children that I have cared for at different periods of my life because of my experiences. Maybe I will be better with my own children someday for these experiences.
Last night I read the prayer on the back of St. Maria Madalena. Paraphrased: when others were ready to condemn her, Jesus accepted her with all her imperfections and she in turn accepted him. To think she was a prostitute that the people were ready to stone to death and Jesus stood up for her without fear of judgment. I think he was quoted as saying "he who is free of sin may cast the first stone." Everyone walked away from her and left her on the ground. Jesus reached for her and helped her up.
Now I told the above story because loss of control and unexpected changes in life seem to fit into this category. Those situtations can temporarily strip your confidence and leave one feeling heavily judged by others. Humans are often guilty of harsh judgements of each other and ourselves as well. I see how judged I feel right now even though it is not completely rational in ways. I am attempting to keep track of the good that is in my life right now and knowing in my heart that everything truly does happen for a reason.
The good things in my life: life/house/home with Andy, my friends and family, Abigail (my dog), my faith that seems to endure though shaken at times and possibilities for future. I remember the things that make my smile. Watching Abigail run around and play, Andy's silly sense of humor and child-like energy for life, hearing my niece laugh and talk, dancing with my sister, singing with my family, karaoke with Nicki, Wayne's World (always makes me laugh), sky at night when the trees look almost black, snow covered mountains, my memories with my grandparents & few thoughts about my brother that make me chuckle when I remember him.
Well, I think I am done for now.
There will likely be more thoughts in future.
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