First bit of insomnia in long time. Not really caring for it at this moment either.
Saw something last night which still concerns me. Uncertain how to process or deal with it. Wish the answers were more clear. Although, the answers to life are often simple and uncomplicated. I should know this by now.
Outside of that feeling...I had a pleasant evening spending time with friend. We chatted much and made me realize how much I enjoy her company.
going to let it all spin and see how it turns out!
Wednesday, December 27, 2006
Saturday, December 23, 2006
remembering....
The last few days my brother has been crossing my mind a little more frequently than usual. Funny how certain times of year can bring those thoughts the the forefront of your mind. I will have to think of where to start with my brother, Mark.
It is difficult to figure out where to start when I think about him. He was 9 years old than me and a huge fan of physics, mechanical engineering, black sabbath, queen, cabinet building and miscellaneous other things. His laugh is still in my memory and had an entertaining sense of humor at times. Mark was also very literal minded.....had a little trouble getting jokes at times, but then again I can relate to that! He joined the army not too long after graduating from college and served over in Kuwait in the 1990s. He briefly worked for US government at one point, but found himself in confusion over the type of weapon he was assisting in designing, offensive or defensive. Mark was definitely troubled by realities of life and in the end went too far and decided to check out early.
I remember the day well. It was February 27th, 1994, the day before my birthday. My mother called and told me that they found Mark's body in his yellow cadillac out in country. I hated those cars for years when I think of my sister's description of what she found in that car afterwards. It left me with a maddening feeling inside. He was only 31 years old.
I was angry at him for many years following this event. There were other actions of his that surround his suicide that I choose to not go into, but they left me with a strange mixture of feelings toward him.
I hated some of the things he had done to other people....saw him as coward for not standing up and dealing with his life.....felt pity for him because I sensed he suffered greatly inside for long time.....angry with his self destructive behavior when he had so much potential.... Although, one the hardest parts was not being able to really get to know each other as adults. I still wish I could see him as a 44 year old man right now, but as my uncle stated Mark will be forever young in all our minds while the rest of us age.
However, I loved my brother and know he loved me the best he could love anyone. Somehow my sister and myself managed to survive all the BS along the way and come out okay. I only wish Mark had been able to do the same. Yet in my heart I have learned to forgive him and show him mercy. I prayed for him much over the years that his soul would finally be at peace along with all of ours left behind. Strangely enough the experience with my brother has taught me to be merciful toward those that the rest of the world would choose to condemn. He has taught me that human life is sacred and will always remain that way in my mind and heart. Maybe he has left a lot of good behind.
I find myself looking for brothers in some men since his passing. Some have been brothers a for brief period of time and I remember them well. Though there were sometimes problems with misunderstandings occurring with my intentions since they were not sexual or romantic in nature. It has taught me to be wiser in my friendships with men to not create confusion. But that is another story. This is about my brother.
I will always love and remember you well.
love you Mark!
Rach
It is difficult to figure out where to start when I think about him. He was 9 years old than me and a huge fan of physics, mechanical engineering, black sabbath, queen, cabinet building and miscellaneous other things. His laugh is still in my memory and had an entertaining sense of humor at times. Mark was also very literal minded.....had a little trouble getting jokes at times, but then again I can relate to that! He joined the army not too long after graduating from college and served over in Kuwait in the 1990s. He briefly worked for US government at one point, but found himself in confusion over the type of weapon he was assisting in designing, offensive or defensive. Mark was definitely troubled by realities of life and in the end went too far and decided to check out early.
I remember the day well. It was February 27th, 1994, the day before my birthday. My mother called and told me that they found Mark's body in his yellow cadillac out in country. I hated those cars for years when I think of my sister's description of what she found in that car afterwards. It left me with a maddening feeling inside. He was only 31 years old.
I was angry at him for many years following this event. There were other actions of his that surround his suicide that I choose to not go into, but they left me with a strange mixture of feelings toward him.
I hated some of the things he had done to other people....saw him as coward for not standing up and dealing with his life.....felt pity for him because I sensed he suffered greatly inside for long time.....angry with his self destructive behavior when he had so much potential.... Although, one the hardest parts was not being able to really get to know each other as adults. I still wish I could see him as a 44 year old man right now, but as my uncle stated Mark will be forever young in all our minds while the rest of us age.
However, I loved my brother and know he loved me the best he could love anyone. Somehow my sister and myself managed to survive all the BS along the way and come out okay. I only wish Mark had been able to do the same. Yet in my heart I have learned to forgive him and show him mercy. I prayed for him much over the years that his soul would finally be at peace along with all of ours left behind. Strangely enough the experience with my brother has taught me to be merciful toward those that the rest of the world would choose to condemn. He has taught me that human life is sacred and will always remain that way in my mind and heart. Maybe he has left a lot of good behind.
I find myself looking for brothers in some men since his passing. Some have been brothers a for brief period of time and I remember them well. Though there were sometimes problems with misunderstandings occurring with my intentions since they were not sexual or romantic in nature. It has taught me to be wiser in my friendships with men to not create confusion. But that is another story. This is about my brother.
I will always love and remember you well.
love you Mark!
Rach
Sunday, December 17, 2006
scattered update
Let's keep this simple. I am struggling with a bit right now...attempting to keep the balls in the air and droppig a few moments and starting again.
Knowing the direction that i wish to head, but encountering some hiccups along the way. hiccups....good word to describe bumps in road.
feeling much better about my birthday next february. good thing.
still uncertain of specific people's intentions, but trying to keep perspective on them. my bit of wisdom and experience should be beneficial somewhere. just have a lot of human emotion get in way at moments. just find the hypocrisy overwhelming at times. hope those close to me see things for what they really are with others and appreciate what they do have that is genuine and true in their life.
still am stangely sentimental about not very good things....eg. enjoying the character on show that is emotionally severed. still drawn to dark side of life, but do not wish to reside there simultaneously. see my conflict. make my peace with conflict.
looking forward to first christmas with my significant other and friends. feeling pretty good about most of my relationships/friendships.
thinking in scattered thoughts....obviously!
remember how much i love corny jokes...watched "wayne's world" the other night. still makes me chuckle and laugh out loud.
looking forward to seeing little kids performing in christmas pageant today. too darn cute!
done with random thoughts for now.
Knowing the direction that i wish to head, but encountering some hiccups along the way. hiccups....good word to describe bumps in road.
feeling much better about my birthday next february. good thing.
still uncertain of specific people's intentions, but trying to keep perspective on them. my bit of wisdom and experience should be beneficial somewhere. just have a lot of human emotion get in way at moments. just find the hypocrisy overwhelming at times. hope those close to me see things for what they really are with others and appreciate what they do have that is genuine and true in their life.
still am stangely sentimental about not very good things....eg. enjoying the character on show that is emotionally severed. still drawn to dark side of life, but do not wish to reside there simultaneously. see my conflict. make my peace with conflict.
looking forward to first christmas with my significant other and friends. feeling pretty good about most of my relationships/friendships.
thinking in scattered thoughts....obviously!
remember how much i love corny jokes...watched "wayne's world" the other night. still makes me chuckle and laugh out loud.
looking forward to seeing little kids performing in christmas pageant today. too darn cute!
done with random thoughts for now.
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