Found myself wondering about committment this morning. Difficult to find in world and uncertain why, at moments.
sometimes we only want simple things out of life and yet these items can be so hard to find in world with other human beings.
all i want out of life (by now) is to have a family of my own. partner to share my life with and love, children to love and care for, connection to my own family and theirs, feel good about way i earn living, a few good friends, seeing new places when possible (adventure necessity), and some cool, funky acquaintances and activities in life. i know i would see myself as blessed if i left this earth knowing i had those things.
the part that is especially difficult for me is that all sounds so fabulous. to share your life with another, let someone inside and travel the journey together. maybe i am still an idealist even with my borderline jaded feelings that come up sometimes. it can be extremely painful when you want to bring someone into your life and the other person appears to be feeling the same way and a moment later they are pulling away or locking you out of their world. maybe attempting to establish their identity, but regardless taking it all to an extreme rather than accepting life and moving forward the best they can with what they have available to them. Especially when life seemed pretty good the way it sat. of course life is never perfect, but that is okay when i know there are at least a few items intact in my life.
Oh well, nothing else to say for now. i want to change the stars in my heart, but i i will just need to hold on and see what destiny has planned for me.
Friday, October 27, 2006
Wednesday, October 25, 2006
Tuesday, October 24, 2006
One of my favorite scenes in a film.....
For my friend that does a fabulous Al Pacino immitation. Hats off! or should I say pith?
interesting scene from "Six Feet Under"
Triggers feelings of how we deal with our grief. Something a dear friend of mine is struggling with right now. This is for her healing process.
Sunday, October 22, 2006
Pictures from this past summer
I finally have figured out how to add pictures to site. Includes dad and my sister's graduation day. A little challenged that way at times, but persistent in attempting to figure stuff like that out!
giggle...
First pictures
These were some shots from a few trips ago to Seattle. I am the blondish person and the others include my nieces, my grandfather and lots of beautiful flowers. Love the orchids at the Arboretum.
Jean Basquiat
I remember the first time I saw Jean Basquiat's artwork several years ago. My niece was about 4 years old (now 20) and I worked at B. Dalton Books. I found a children's book that used his artwork to tell story.
I immediately emotionally registered with his primal artwork. As I found out more about his actual life, I understood the source of his inspiration. Sadly he was not able to cope with life very well and passed away at much too young an age. However, I will always see the beauty in what he left behind.
Thursday, October 19, 2006
is it love?
The feeling of love seems to be an idea that is mystifying me these days. I am not only speaking of romantic, but more likely "the real thing". Most realize that as you get older that love is something much deeper and has certain qualities that must be present in order to endure time. Love is literally a choice and committment. Love can be felt for significant other, good friend or family member, but varies depending on the type of relationship. For example, we can love our family members yet have a lot of difficulty getting along with them.
Love has changed for me so much over the past 5 years or so. I have not completely lost my sense of romantic love because I feel emotion when I witness the "the true thing" between people. It may be a simple gesture of a child toward their parent or the parent to child, honest to goodness friendship without motives or maybe genuine shows of committment between couples. Anything less than "the real thing" just doesn't quite hit home for me anymore. It does not invalidate the smaller gestures, but puts them in their place in the priorities of life. Sometimes we want to believe there is something deep and meaningful and find that it was not all we believed it to be.
Friendship is one of those items for me. I see people easily classify others as "friends" when it is clear that the other person does not care for anyone but themselves. Or classifying people that they have never met in person as friends. That is a bit bizarre for me as well. All the people I have considered friends along the way, are people that I have spent time with getting to know them. It is true that some of these folks have passed aways from my life (not necessarily from death, just changes) but I know for a brief period of time, I knew that person. At least at that moment in their life. Of course, everything is subject to change.
Physical gestures, acknowledgement of person, mutual respect, acceptance, committment and knowledge that that person will be there when the chips are down. When these things appear to be missing, it is very easy to question how real something may or may not be.
Maybe I have been a little uncertain about finding love in real life on the romantic end of spectrum. As humans, we are so afraid to actually love another individual because that requires letting another person into who you are. Essentially, letting them see the truth and hope that that person will treat you well with all that knowledge. Feeling like the other has "secrets" has also affected my fear of it. I am not speaking of the mystery that we all maintain as individuals because we need it so that the other person sees your amazing qualities and is surprised and drawn to you. I am speaking of secrets that can leave a person feeling excluded from an aspect of their significant others life. I have seen it happen to marriages and other relationships in past. The infamous quote "what they do not know will not hurt them." Love cannot be nurtured in deception nor can we live a dual life. Sooner or later it will drive us to madness. Maybe I wonder if it starts with a need to establish a personal identity because they are not secure in who they are yet. I see a small wedge developing in beginning and growing into something quite large if it is not examined. Sometimes the wedge starts because we need someone to talk to about our problems. As we continue to be intimate, we forget to "draw a line" or simply find ourselves crossing it till it has gone too far. Affairs happen everyday and are not particularly complicated things. No one is above the possibility of being involved in one either.
Small deceptions are often the beginning because we need to establish our identity and find ourselves liking the attention from other person. Not too mention the fact that the other person seems free and clear to open fliratation (feels harmless) with because they do not have any of the appearance of complications that the real person we are involved with has in our life. However, it is simply another deception because in our guts we usually know that this action is going to be harmful to ourselves and the people we care about. Yet the selfishness takes over and need to feel something different because other aspects of our lives are difficult or painful.
Not sure if anyone will read this blog or not, but these are some of my thought this early AM. It is likely that my mind will always run off like crazy at odd hours for the remainder of my life. I hope to gain more patience over time. That is the most difficult thing to find at certain moments. Sometimes I just want the people I care about to wake up one day and understand why an action may be hurtful to those that care about them. Sometimes you are the first relationship that wants the "real thing" and attempts to treat the person better than anyone else has appeared to in past. I attempt to show people respect and love that I care about because that is best indicator to the other that you care. Yet I have not always felt it returned. Not sure how to deal with these feelings right now. Must process......
Love has changed for me so much over the past 5 years or so. I have not completely lost my sense of romantic love because I feel emotion when I witness the "the true thing" between people. It may be a simple gesture of a child toward their parent or the parent to child, honest to goodness friendship without motives or maybe genuine shows of committment between couples. Anything less than "the real thing" just doesn't quite hit home for me anymore. It does not invalidate the smaller gestures, but puts them in their place in the priorities of life. Sometimes we want to believe there is something deep and meaningful and find that it was not all we believed it to be.
Friendship is one of those items for me. I see people easily classify others as "friends" when it is clear that the other person does not care for anyone but themselves. Or classifying people that they have never met in person as friends. That is a bit bizarre for me as well. All the people I have considered friends along the way, are people that I have spent time with getting to know them. It is true that some of these folks have passed aways from my life (not necessarily from death, just changes) but I know for a brief period of time, I knew that person. At least at that moment in their life. Of course, everything is subject to change.
Physical gestures, acknowledgement of person, mutual respect, acceptance, committment and knowledge that that person will be there when the chips are down. When these things appear to be missing, it is very easy to question how real something may or may not be.
Maybe I have been a little uncertain about finding love in real life on the romantic end of spectrum. As humans, we are so afraid to actually love another individual because that requires letting another person into who you are. Essentially, letting them see the truth and hope that that person will treat you well with all that knowledge. Feeling like the other has "secrets" has also affected my fear of it. I am not speaking of the mystery that we all maintain as individuals because we need it so that the other person sees your amazing qualities and is surprised and drawn to you. I am speaking of secrets that can leave a person feeling excluded from an aspect of their significant others life. I have seen it happen to marriages and other relationships in past. The infamous quote "what they do not know will not hurt them." Love cannot be nurtured in deception nor can we live a dual life. Sooner or later it will drive us to madness. Maybe I wonder if it starts with a need to establish a personal identity because they are not secure in who they are yet. I see a small wedge developing in beginning and growing into something quite large if it is not examined. Sometimes the wedge starts because we need someone to talk to about our problems. As we continue to be intimate, we forget to "draw a line" or simply find ourselves crossing it till it has gone too far. Affairs happen everyday and are not particularly complicated things. No one is above the possibility of being involved in one either.
Small deceptions are often the beginning because we need to establish our identity and find ourselves liking the attention from other person. Not too mention the fact that the other person seems free and clear to open fliratation (feels harmless) with because they do not have any of the appearance of complications that the real person we are involved with has in our life. However, it is simply another deception because in our guts we usually know that this action is going to be harmful to ourselves and the people we care about. Yet the selfishness takes over and need to feel something different because other aspects of our lives are difficult or painful.
Not sure if anyone will read this blog or not, but these are some of my thought this early AM. It is likely that my mind will always run off like crazy at odd hours for the remainder of my life. I hope to gain more patience over time. That is the most difficult thing to find at certain moments. Sometimes I just want the people I care about to wake up one day and understand why an action may be hurtful to those that care about them. Sometimes you are the first relationship that wants the "real thing" and attempts to treat the person better than anyone else has appeared to in past. I attempt to show people respect and love that I care about because that is best indicator to the other that you care. Yet I have not always felt it returned. Not sure how to deal with these feelings right now. Must process......
Wednesday, October 11, 2006
Maybe........
I just read a blog regarding the subject of fear. How paralyzing it can be and such.....
I am in midst of a strange spot in my life. Unemployment has been visiting the past few weeks and has left me wondering if maybe it is a sign that I need to make a significant change. Possibly a career change. Uncertain.
I am 35 years old and have a significant mortgage. Taking care of my relationship is also important to me. My significant other is attempting to complete school right now as well. To balance my needs with these others is the task at hand.
The funny thing is that I liked what I did for a living, but I am seriously beginning to wonder if God is trying to tell me something. I have always required "being thrown up against a brick wall" before I would listen to him in past. Now does not seem much different.
I see the importance of taking care of myself because in the past I have allowed my needs to be neglected in favor of someone elses. There is good to be found in this action because learning to be unselfish is extremely important in life. That is truly the path toward honest to goodness love. Not love based on selfishness or obsession, but on truth. However, I have sacrificed too much of myself for others and have paid dearly for it.
Maybe I have just wanted to be loved for who am as person with all my beauties and flaws.
Maybe I have carried a sadness inside me that I have attempted to hide from others with the appearance of being in control, occasionally cracking jokes about my life and coldness.
Maybe I do not experience an identifiable emotion to others when stressful situations occur.
Maybe I have felt a little insane at certain moments in my life. Maybe I am extremely sensitive to certain topics such as pedophilia. Maybe there are moments I want to cry when I see a child mistreated and hurt the adult mistreating the child.
Maybe I want to protect and stand up for everyone I care about when they are not being shown respect by others.
Maybe I have the need to defend those that no one wishes to defend or protect.
Maybe I love with a lot of passion and loyalty and wish others showed me some more of that at moments.
Maybe I am a bit of a soldier in the way I deal with my life.
Maybe I believe that there are times in life when we must all stand up for what we believe and be willing to fight or defend those ideas.
Maybe I have pushed past my fears and learned to work through those scary moments.
Maybe I am emotionally weak at moments and a tower of strength at other moments.
Maybe there is no maybe but definiteness (is that a word?) to those things(LOL!!).
Darn't I have gone off on rant again. Must return to original thought.
I am going (almost wrote "gong" not going, Gong Show, ok kind of silly joke) to do some research re: other possibilities in careers. It is not that I have given up on what I have been doing, but I may need to seriously consider a change. I have a feeling this all is connected with some insecurities I am battling with right now. However, I have made it through much and know that I will make it through this tough patch.
Maybe.....(just kidding!)_
I am in midst of a strange spot in my life. Unemployment has been visiting the past few weeks and has left me wondering if maybe it is a sign that I need to make a significant change. Possibly a career change. Uncertain.
I am 35 years old and have a significant mortgage. Taking care of my relationship is also important to me. My significant other is attempting to complete school right now as well. To balance my needs with these others is the task at hand.
The funny thing is that I liked what I did for a living, but I am seriously beginning to wonder if God is trying to tell me something. I have always required "being thrown up against a brick wall" before I would listen to him in past. Now does not seem much different.
I see the importance of taking care of myself because in the past I have allowed my needs to be neglected in favor of someone elses. There is good to be found in this action because learning to be unselfish is extremely important in life. That is truly the path toward honest to goodness love. Not love based on selfishness or obsession, but on truth. However, I have sacrificed too much of myself for others and have paid dearly for it.
Maybe I have just wanted to be loved for who am as person with all my beauties and flaws.
Maybe I have carried a sadness inside me that I have attempted to hide from others with the appearance of being in control, occasionally cracking jokes about my life and coldness.
Maybe I do not experience an identifiable emotion to others when stressful situations occur.
Maybe I have felt a little insane at certain moments in my life. Maybe I am extremely sensitive to certain topics such as pedophilia. Maybe there are moments I want to cry when I see a child mistreated and hurt the adult mistreating the child.
Maybe I want to protect and stand up for everyone I care about when they are not being shown respect by others.
Maybe I have the need to defend those that no one wishes to defend or protect.
Maybe I love with a lot of passion and loyalty and wish others showed me some more of that at moments.
Maybe I am a bit of a soldier in the way I deal with my life.
Maybe I believe that there are times in life when we must all stand up for what we believe and be willing to fight or defend those ideas.
Maybe I have pushed past my fears and learned to work through those scary moments.
Maybe I am emotionally weak at moments and a tower of strength at other moments.
Maybe there is no maybe but definiteness (is that a word?) to those things(LOL!!).
Darn't I have gone off on rant again. Must return to original thought.
I am going (almost wrote "gong" not going, Gong Show, ok kind of silly joke) to do some research re: other possibilities in careers. It is not that I have given up on what I have been doing, but I may need to seriously consider a change. I have a feeling this all is connected with some insecurities I am battling with right now. However, I have made it through much and know that I will make it through this tough patch.
Maybe.....(just kidding!)_
Tuesday, October 03, 2006
babysitting children
So I have been helping my significant other with his job of babysitting his niece and nephews. I seem to fit right into that domestic mode with children. It is sometimes peculiar and strangley natural to me to care for children. In the past, I have taken care of more than a few and always enjoyed the work of it all. I used to love to drive my niece and her friends around when she was in middle school. The opportunity to pull out of my self and need to care for someone other than myself has always been a refreshing feeling.
Feeling a little tired from day.......very busy./
but feeling pretty good about life right now. Everything really will be okay.
Feeling a little tired from day.......very busy./
but feeling pretty good about life right now. Everything really will be okay.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
