Maybe........

I just read a blog regarding the subject of fear. How paralyzing it can be and such.....

I am in midst of a strange spot in my life. Unemployment has been visiting the past few weeks and has left me wondering if maybe it is a sign that I need to make a significant change. Possibly a career change. Uncertain.

I am 35 years old and have a significant mortgage. Taking care of my relationship is also important to me. My significant other is attempting to complete school right now as well. To balance my needs with these others is the task at hand.

The funny thing is that I liked what I did for a living, but I am seriously beginning to wonder if God is trying to tell me something. I have always required "being thrown up against a brick wall" before I would listen to him in past. Now does not seem much different.

I see the importance of taking care of myself because in the past I have allowed my needs to be neglected in favor of someone elses. There is good to be found in this action because learning to be unselfish is extremely important in life. That is truly the path toward honest to goodness love. Not love based on selfishness or obsession, but on truth. However, I have sacrificed too much of myself for others and have paid dearly for it.

Maybe I have just wanted to be loved for who am as person with all my beauties and flaws.

Maybe I have carried a sadness inside me that I have attempted to hide from others with the appearance of being in control, occasionally cracking jokes about my life and coldness.

Maybe I do not experience an identifiable emotion to others when stressful situations occur.

Maybe I have felt a little insane at certain moments in my life. Maybe I am extremely sensitive to certain topics such as pedophilia. Maybe there are moments I want to cry when I see a child mistreated and hurt the adult mistreating the child.

Maybe I want to protect and stand up for everyone I care about when they are not being shown respect by others.

Maybe I have the need to defend those that no one wishes to defend or protect.

Maybe I love with a lot of passion and loyalty and wish others showed me some more of that at moments.

Maybe I am a bit of a soldier in the way I deal with my life.

Maybe I believe that there are times in life when we must all stand up for what we believe and be willing to fight or defend those ideas.

Maybe I have pushed past my fears and learned to work through those scary moments.

Maybe I am emotionally weak at moments and a tower of strength at other moments.

Maybe there is no maybe but definiteness (is that a word?) to those things(LOL!!).

Darn't I have gone off on rant again. Must return to original thought.

I am going (almost wrote "gong" not going, Gong Show, ok kind of silly joke) to do some research re: other possibilities in careers. It is not that I have given up on what I have been doing, but I may need to seriously consider a change. I have a feeling this all is connected with some insecurities I am battling with right now. However, I have made it through much and know that I will make it through this tough patch.

Maybe.....(just kidding!)_