first time i felt like writing in while..

Found myself wondering about committment this morning. Difficult to find in world and uncertain why, at moments.

sometimes we only want simple things out of life and yet these items can be so hard to find in world with other human beings.

all i want out of life (by now) is to have a family of my own. partner to share my life with and love, children to love and care for, connection to my own family and theirs, feel good about way i earn living, a few good friends, seeing new places when possible (adventure necessity), and some cool, funky acquaintances and activities in life. i know i would see myself as blessed if i left this earth knowing i had those things.

the part that is especially difficult for me is that all sounds so fabulous. to share your life with another, let someone inside and travel the journey together. maybe i am still an idealist even with my borderline jaded feelings that come up sometimes. it can be extremely painful when you want to bring someone into your life and the other person appears to be feeling the same way and a moment later they are pulling away or locking you out of their world. maybe attempting to establish their identity, but regardless taking it all to an extreme rather than accepting life and moving forward the best they can with what they have available to them. Especially when life seemed pretty good the way it sat. of course life is never perfect, but that is okay when i know there are at least a few items intact in my life.

Oh well, nothing else to say for now. i want to change the stars in my heart, but i i will just need to hold on and see what destiny has planned for me.