is it love?

The feeling of love seems to be an idea that is mystifying me these days. I am not only speaking of romantic, but more likely "the real thing". Most realize that as you get older that love is something much deeper and has certain qualities that must be present in order to endure time. Love is literally a choice and committment. Love can be felt for significant other, good friend or family member, but varies depending on the type of relationship. For example, we can love our family members yet have a lot of difficulty getting along with them.

Love has changed for me so much over the past 5 years or so. I have not completely lost my sense of romantic love because I feel emotion when I witness the "the true thing" between people. It may be a simple gesture of a child toward their parent or the parent to child, honest to goodness friendship without motives or maybe genuine shows of committment between couples. Anything less than "the real thing" just doesn't quite hit home for me anymore. It does not invalidate the smaller gestures, but puts them in their place in the priorities of life. Sometimes we want to believe there is something deep and meaningful and find that it was not all we believed it to be.

Friendship is one of those items for me. I see people easily classify others as "friends" when it is clear that the other person does not care for anyone but themselves. Or classifying people that they have never met in person as friends. That is a bit bizarre for me as well. All the people I have considered friends along the way, are people that I have spent time with getting to know them. It is true that some of these folks have passed aways from my life (not necessarily from death, just changes) but I know for a brief period of time, I knew that person. At least at that moment in their life. Of course, everything is subject to change.

Physical gestures, acknowledgement of person, mutual respect, acceptance, committment and knowledge that that person will be there when the chips are down. When these things appear to be missing, it is very easy to question how real something may or may not be.

Maybe I have been a little uncertain about finding love in real life on the romantic end of spectrum. As humans, we are so afraid to actually love another individual because that requires letting another person into who you are. Essentially, letting them see the truth and hope that that person will treat you well with all that knowledge. Feeling like the other has "secrets" has also affected my fear of it. I am not speaking of the mystery that we all maintain as individuals because we need it so that the other person sees your amazing qualities and is surprised and drawn to you. I am speaking of secrets that can leave a person feeling excluded from an aspect of their significant others life. I have seen it happen to marriages and other relationships in past. The infamous quote "what they do not know will not hurt them." Love cannot be nurtured in deception nor can we live a dual life. Sooner or later it will drive us to madness. Maybe I wonder if it starts with a need to establish a personal identity because they are not secure in who they are yet. I see a small wedge developing in beginning and growing into something quite large if it is not examined. Sometimes the wedge starts because we need someone to talk to about our problems. As we continue to be intimate, we forget to "draw a line" or simply find ourselves crossing it till it has gone too far. Affairs happen everyday and are not particularly complicated things. No one is above the possibility of being involved in one either.

Small deceptions are often the beginning because we need to establish our identity and find ourselves liking the attention from other person. Not too mention the fact that the other person seems free and clear to open fliratation (feels harmless) with because they do not have any of the appearance of complications that the real person we are involved with has in our life. However, it is simply another deception because in our guts we usually know that this action is going to be harmful to ourselves and the people we care about. Yet the selfishness takes over and need to feel something different because other aspects of our lives are difficult or painful.

Not sure if anyone will read this blog or not, but these are some of my thought this early AM. It is likely that my mind will always run off like crazy at odd hours for the remainder of my life. I hope to gain more patience over time. That is the most difficult thing to find at certain moments. Sometimes I just want the people I care about to wake up one day and understand why an action may be hurtful to those that care about them. Sometimes you are the first relationship that wants the "real thing" and attempts to treat the person better than anyone else has appeared to in past. I attempt to show people respect and love that I care about because that is best indicator to the other that you care. Yet I have not always felt it returned. Not sure how to deal with these feelings right now. Must process......