The Truth?

So I was remembered the play "the children's hour" this evening. It had such an impact on me that I begin to wonder about the particular topic of lies or the act of lying. The destructiveness of lies.



I have witnessed those close to me telling me things that I knew were untrue and yet I chose to not call them on it because it was typically something minor. The part that mystified me the most is to lie about ridiculous things. Maybe I also did not say anything because I knew that person was not ready to deal with that info either. Doesn't the person telling the lie consider the fact that the other party may see through it? Maybe that is a rhetorical question, but it often makes me wonder. My mother chronically lied and recreated the past. There is a trigger in this for me. Deception and secretiveness leave me with a bad feeling inside my stomach. I am attempting to play it straight with others now, not necessarily perfect, but trying. All just makes me so uncomfortable inside.

Unfortunately, I am finding that some I have known are putting on a face and providing words to me that contradict their behavior. There is a particular person that I very recently was very direct with regarding an uncomfortable situation between us. Their emotional demands and need for attention of those around them can also be burdensome. Yet I found myself attempting to be very compassionate toward them due to their lack of life experience. In other words, I wanted to help this person get a glimmer of why certain behavior may not be good idea for reasons and advised them that if they ever found themselves in bad or scary situation to call me. I absolutely meant it too. I remember being single/partying and not always feeling like there was someone to call at tough moments. I felt like we arrived in a pretty good place with each other after talking, but I am sensing and witnessing actions that contradict their interest in friendship with me. My intuition is leaving me with a feeling that this person is in a deceptive stage of their life and that I will need to be very careful with them.

It is a little unnerving inside me right now. Hopefully, time will provide me with answers.

counselor meeting today

let's see what the possibilities for future hold. wish me luck!

ok so there needs to be additional blog

not backpeddling because i believe in having safe places to express your feelings free of judgement of world. however, i see a need to add something to my previous blog.

life is truly uncertain and relationships (includes all) are always going to be trying and difficult. yet, i know that it is all leading somewhere. somewhere fantastic! unknown, but maybe that is what makes it so much better in my heart and mind.

need to figure out some of these things. much to ponder.

received some good advise from someone i respected tonight. related to how people want to force others into their space when someone else does not appear to be where they think that person should be. for example, attempting to pressure another to smile when maybe that person is doing fine not smiling and would prefer not putting up a front to make life easier for everyone else. maybe it is okay to let someone be who they are. the tough part is, what is about who we are as people and what part of it is our own personal bullshit or defense mechanisms we use to avoid dealing with our baggage.

that appears to be the challenge. to find the substance of ourselves and other people. yet give up and look at our own bullshit that prevents us from moving on with our lives. not an easy task. i know there are things/behaviors that i hold onto that hurt others and myself. know they need to change in time as well. maybe not a 180 degree change, but at least an earnest effort for the people i care about.

maybe the people that genuinely care about me are worth it. especially, because working through some hard stuff will help me feel better about myself in long run.

maybe it is time for change. seems to be a lot of that this past year. i will definitely remember 2006. lessons learned. many. friends gained. yes. good possibilities in future. yes.



essentially it is difficult figuring out what is important.

ok so here goes..fucking frustrated

sometimes i fucking hate the internet!

sorry, just had to say it!

do not feel like explaining why or how, but there goes, just so fucking annoyed with aspects of universe i live in right now. suffering from lack of faith and trust in people. try to be loyal and true, but feel a lack of faith in those around me. wonder if they will be there when the going gets tough/ forgive my attitude, but i have stuck it through much with others & do not always feel it returned.

sorry for rant, but needed to say it. not expecting sympathy because life is definitely hard and i have made it through much.

just waiting for the wonderful, easy trust i had when child to return. miss it.

oh well.

see where it all leads.

dream

so have you ever had a dream that your subconscious took to bizarre location? i did this morning for sure. strange sexual content, not so much what was happening as another individual's response to it all. it was as though the other person in my dream asked to engage in these activities, but became upset with me for doing it. most peculiar.

just wanted to wake up because emotions become unpleasant.

so many times, i dream about sex and it is not really about it. my gut usually is my gauge. then again, i rely on my gut for most important decisions in my life. rational thought is so damn limited!

strange being such a physical creature. human being and all. we love to feel our bodies being touched by others and viewed as attractive, eat food, drink alcohol for effect, look for different flavors to consume, look at beautiful things, listen to music, etc. not that it is all sexual in nature because most of our feelings are not. Just a need as a human being. I remember being told once that being Catholic closely resembles a steak with a glass of red wine and a cigar afterwards. All very physical and human. hmmm... like that metaphor. it all seems to fit together in my gut. I know there it is again. remember, pinochio is still my favorite children's story. so check out of my favorite clips..



although we all know that naught little boys go to pleasure island and are turned into donkeys to work in salt mines! Tee hee! sorry, know it is dark, but hey hasn't every girl wished that at a moment in her life!

ok, all done for now. must return to my tasks for today.

have fun!