First bit of insomnia in long time. Not really caring for it at this moment either.
Saw something last night which still concerns me. Uncertain how to process or deal with it. Wish the answers were more clear. Although, the answers to life are often simple and uncomplicated. I should know this by now.
Outside of that feeling...I had a pleasant evening spending time with friend. We chatted much and made me realize how much I enjoy her company.
going to let it all spin and see how it turns out!
Wednesday, December 27, 2006
Saturday, December 23, 2006
remembering....
The last few days my brother has been crossing my mind a little more frequently than usual. Funny how certain times of year can bring those thoughts the the forefront of your mind. I will have to think of where to start with my brother, Mark.
It is difficult to figure out where to start when I think about him. He was 9 years old than me and a huge fan of physics, mechanical engineering, black sabbath, queen, cabinet building and miscellaneous other things. His laugh is still in my memory and had an entertaining sense of humor at times. Mark was also very literal minded.....had a little trouble getting jokes at times, but then again I can relate to that! He joined the army not too long after graduating from college and served over in Kuwait in the 1990s. He briefly worked for US government at one point, but found himself in confusion over the type of weapon he was assisting in designing, offensive or defensive. Mark was definitely troubled by realities of life and in the end went too far and decided to check out early.
I remember the day well. It was February 27th, 1994, the day before my birthday. My mother called and told me that they found Mark's body in his yellow cadillac out in country. I hated those cars for years when I think of my sister's description of what she found in that car afterwards. It left me with a maddening feeling inside. He was only 31 years old.
I was angry at him for many years following this event. There were other actions of his that surround his suicide that I choose to not go into, but they left me with a strange mixture of feelings toward him.
I hated some of the things he had done to other people....saw him as coward for not standing up and dealing with his life.....felt pity for him because I sensed he suffered greatly inside for long time.....angry with his self destructive behavior when he had so much potential.... Although, one the hardest parts was not being able to really get to know each other as adults. I still wish I could see him as a 44 year old man right now, but as my uncle stated Mark will be forever young in all our minds while the rest of us age.
However, I loved my brother and know he loved me the best he could love anyone. Somehow my sister and myself managed to survive all the BS along the way and come out okay. I only wish Mark had been able to do the same. Yet in my heart I have learned to forgive him and show him mercy. I prayed for him much over the years that his soul would finally be at peace along with all of ours left behind. Strangely enough the experience with my brother has taught me to be merciful toward those that the rest of the world would choose to condemn. He has taught me that human life is sacred and will always remain that way in my mind and heart. Maybe he has left a lot of good behind.
I find myself looking for brothers in some men since his passing. Some have been brothers a for brief period of time and I remember them well. Though there were sometimes problems with misunderstandings occurring with my intentions since they were not sexual or romantic in nature. It has taught me to be wiser in my friendships with men to not create confusion. But that is another story. This is about my brother.
I will always love and remember you well.
love you Mark!
Rach
It is difficult to figure out where to start when I think about him. He was 9 years old than me and a huge fan of physics, mechanical engineering, black sabbath, queen, cabinet building and miscellaneous other things. His laugh is still in my memory and had an entertaining sense of humor at times. Mark was also very literal minded.....had a little trouble getting jokes at times, but then again I can relate to that! He joined the army not too long after graduating from college and served over in Kuwait in the 1990s. He briefly worked for US government at one point, but found himself in confusion over the type of weapon he was assisting in designing, offensive or defensive. Mark was definitely troubled by realities of life and in the end went too far and decided to check out early.
I remember the day well. It was February 27th, 1994, the day before my birthday. My mother called and told me that they found Mark's body in his yellow cadillac out in country. I hated those cars for years when I think of my sister's description of what she found in that car afterwards. It left me with a maddening feeling inside. He was only 31 years old.
I was angry at him for many years following this event. There were other actions of his that surround his suicide that I choose to not go into, but they left me with a strange mixture of feelings toward him.
I hated some of the things he had done to other people....saw him as coward for not standing up and dealing with his life.....felt pity for him because I sensed he suffered greatly inside for long time.....angry with his self destructive behavior when he had so much potential.... Although, one the hardest parts was not being able to really get to know each other as adults. I still wish I could see him as a 44 year old man right now, but as my uncle stated Mark will be forever young in all our minds while the rest of us age.
However, I loved my brother and know he loved me the best he could love anyone. Somehow my sister and myself managed to survive all the BS along the way and come out okay. I only wish Mark had been able to do the same. Yet in my heart I have learned to forgive him and show him mercy. I prayed for him much over the years that his soul would finally be at peace along with all of ours left behind. Strangely enough the experience with my brother has taught me to be merciful toward those that the rest of the world would choose to condemn. He has taught me that human life is sacred and will always remain that way in my mind and heart. Maybe he has left a lot of good behind.
I find myself looking for brothers in some men since his passing. Some have been brothers a for brief period of time and I remember them well. Though there were sometimes problems with misunderstandings occurring with my intentions since they were not sexual or romantic in nature. It has taught me to be wiser in my friendships with men to not create confusion. But that is another story. This is about my brother.
I will always love and remember you well.
love you Mark!
Rach
Sunday, December 17, 2006
scattered update
Let's keep this simple. I am struggling with a bit right now...attempting to keep the balls in the air and droppig a few moments and starting again.
Knowing the direction that i wish to head, but encountering some hiccups along the way. hiccups....good word to describe bumps in road.
feeling much better about my birthday next february. good thing.
still uncertain of specific people's intentions, but trying to keep perspective on them. my bit of wisdom and experience should be beneficial somewhere. just have a lot of human emotion get in way at moments. just find the hypocrisy overwhelming at times. hope those close to me see things for what they really are with others and appreciate what they do have that is genuine and true in their life.
still am stangely sentimental about not very good things....eg. enjoying the character on show that is emotionally severed. still drawn to dark side of life, but do not wish to reside there simultaneously. see my conflict. make my peace with conflict.
looking forward to first christmas with my significant other and friends. feeling pretty good about most of my relationships/friendships.
thinking in scattered thoughts....obviously!
remember how much i love corny jokes...watched "wayne's world" the other night. still makes me chuckle and laugh out loud.
looking forward to seeing little kids performing in christmas pageant today. too darn cute!
done with random thoughts for now.
Knowing the direction that i wish to head, but encountering some hiccups along the way. hiccups....good word to describe bumps in road.
feeling much better about my birthday next february. good thing.
still uncertain of specific people's intentions, but trying to keep perspective on them. my bit of wisdom and experience should be beneficial somewhere. just have a lot of human emotion get in way at moments. just find the hypocrisy overwhelming at times. hope those close to me see things for what they really are with others and appreciate what they do have that is genuine and true in their life.
still am stangely sentimental about not very good things....eg. enjoying the character on show that is emotionally severed. still drawn to dark side of life, but do not wish to reside there simultaneously. see my conflict. make my peace with conflict.
looking forward to first christmas with my significant other and friends. feeling pretty good about most of my relationships/friendships.
thinking in scattered thoughts....obviously!
remember how much i love corny jokes...watched "wayne's world" the other night. still makes me chuckle and laugh out loud.
looking forward to seeing little kids performing in christmas pageant today. too darn cute!
done with random thoughts for now.
Sunday, November 19, 2006
The Truth?
So I was remembered the play "the children's hour" this evening. It had such an impact on me that I begin to wonder about the particular topic of lies or the act of lying. The destructiveness of lies.
I have witnessed those close to me telling me things that I knew were untrue and yet I chose to not call them on it because it was typically something minor. The part that mystified me the most is to lie about ridiculous things. Maybe I also did not say anything because I knew that person was not ready to deal with that info either. Doesn't the person telling the lie consider the fact that the other party may see through it? Maybe that is a rhetorical question, but it often makes me wonder. My mother chronically lied and recreated the past. There is a trigger in this for me. Deception and secretiveness leave me with a bad feeling inside my stomach. I am attempting to play it straight with others now, not necessarily perfect, but trying. All just makes me so uncomfortable inside.
Unfortunately, I am finding that some I have known are putting on a face and providing words to me that contradict their behavior. There is a particular person that I very recently was very direct with regarding an uncomfortable situation between us. Their emotional demands and need for attention of those around them can also be burdensome. Yet I found myself attempting to be very compassionate toward them due to their lack of life experience. In other words, I wanted to help this person get a glimmer of why certain behavior may not be good idea for reasons and advised them that if they ever found themselves in bad or scary situation to call me. I absolutely meant it too. I remember being single/partying and not always feeling like there was someone to call at tough moments. I felt like we arrived in a pretty good place with each other after talking, but I am sensing and witnessing actions that contradict their interest in friendship with me. My intuition is leaving me with a feeling that this person is in a deceptive stage of their life and that I will need to be very careful with them.
It is a little unnerving inside me right now. Hopefully, time will provide me with answers.
I have witnessed those close to me telling me things that I knew were untrue and yet I chose to not call them on it because it was typically something minor. The part that mystified me the most is to lie about ridiculous things. Maybe I also did not say anything because I knew that person was not ready to deal with that info either. Doesn't the person telling the lie consider the fact that the other party may see through it? Maybe that is a rhetorical question, but it often makes me wonder. My mother chronically lied and recreated the past. There is a trigger in this for me. Deception and secretiveness leave me with a bad feeling inside my stomach. I am attempting to play it straight with others now, not necessarily perfect, but trying. All just makes me so uncomfortable inside.
Unfortunately, I am finding that some I have known are putting on a face and providing words to me that contradict their behavior. There is a particular person that I very recently was very direct with regarding an uncomfortable situation between us. Their emotional demands and need for attention of those around them can also be burdensome. Yet I found myself attempting to be very compassionate toward them due to their lack of life experience. In other words, I wanted to help this person get a glimmer of why certain behavior may not be good idea for reasons and advised them that if they ever found themselves in bad or scary situation to call me. I absolutely meant it too. I remember being single/partying and not always feeling like there was someone to call at tough moments. I felt like we arrived in a pretty good place with each other after talking, but I am sensing and witnessing actions that contradict their interest in friendship with me. My intuition is leaving me with a feeling that this person is in a deceptive stage of their life and that I will need to be very careful with them.
It is a little unnerving inside me right now. Hopefully, time will provide me with answers.
Tuesday, November 07, 2006
Sunday, November 05, 2006
ok so there needs to be additional blog
not backpeddling because i believe in having safe places to express your feelings free of judgement of world. however, i see a need to add something to my previous blog.
life is truly uncertain and relationships (includes all) are always going to be trying and difficult. yet, i know that it is all leading somewhere. somewhere fantastic! unknown, but maybe that is what makes it so much better in my heart and mind.
need to figure out some of these things. much to ponder.
received some good advise from someone i respected tonight. related to how people want to force others into their space when someone else does not appear to be where they think that person should be. for example, attempting to pressure another to smile when maybe that person is doing fine not smiling and would prefer not putting up a front to make life easier for everyone else. maybe it is okay to let someone be who they are. the tough part is, what is about who we are as people and what part of it is our own personal bullshit or defense mechanisms we use to avoid dealing with our baggage.
that appears to be the challenge. to find the substance of ourselves and other people. yet give up and look at our own bullshit that prevents us from moving on with our lives. not an easy task. i know there are things/behaviors that i hold onto that hurt others and myself. know they need to change in time as well. maybe not a 180 degree change, but at least an earnest effort for the people i care about.
maybe the people that genuinely care about me are worth it. especially, because working through some hard stuff will help me feel better about myself in long run.
maybe it is time for change. seems to be a lot of that this past year. i will definitely remember 2006. lessons learned. many. friends gained. yes. good possibilities in future. yes.
essentially it is difficult figuring out what is important.
life is truly uncertain and relationships (includes all) are always going to be trying and difficult. yet, i know that it is all leading somewhere. somewhere fantastic! unknown, but maybe that is what makes it so much better in my heart and mind.
need to figure out some of these things. much to ponder.
received some good advise from someone i respected tonight. related to how people want to force others into their space when someone else does not appear to be where they think that person should be. for example, attempting to pressure another to smile when maybe that person is doing fine not smiling and would prefer not putting up a front to make life easier for everyone else. maybe it is okay to let someone be who they are. the tough part is, what is about who we are as people and what part of it is our own personal bullshit or defense mechanisms we use to avoid dealing with our baggage.
that appears to be the challenge. to find the substance of ourselves and other people. yet give up and look at our own bullshit that prevents us from moving on with our lives. not an easy task. i know there are things/behaviors that i hold onto that hurt others and myself. know they need to change in time as well. maybe not a 180 degree change, but at least an earnest effort for the people i care about.
maybe the people that genuinely care about me are worth it. especially, because working through some hard stuff will help me feel better about myself in long run.
maybe it is time for change. seems to be a lot of that this past year. i will definitely remember 2006. lessons learned. many. friends gained. yes. good possibilities in future. yes.
essentially it is difficult figuring out what is important.
Friday, November 03, 2006
ok so here goes..fucking frustrated
sometimes i fucking hate the internet!
sorry, just had to say it!
do not feel like explaining why or how, but there goes, just so fucking annoyed with aspects of universe i live in right now. suffering from lack of faith and trust in people. try to be loyal and true, but feel a lack of faith in those around me. wonder if they will be there when the going gets tough/ forgive my attitude, but i have stuck it through much with others & do not always feel it returned.
sorry for rant, but needed to say it. not expecting sympathy because life is definitely hard and i have made it through much.
just waiting for the wonderful, easy trust i had when child to return. miss it.
oh well.
see where it all leads.
sorry, just had to say it!
do not feel like explaining why or how, but there goes, just so fucking annoyed with aspects of universe i live in right now. suffering from lack of faith and trust in people. try to be loyal and true, but feel a lack of faith in those around me. wonder if they will be there when the going gets tough/ forgive my attitude, but i have stuck it through much with others & do not always feel it returned.
sorry for rant, but needed to say it. not expecting sympathy because life is definitely hard and i have made it through much.
just waiting for the wonderful, easy trust i had when child to return. miss it.
oh well.
see where it all leads.
Thursday, November 02, 2006
dream
so have you ever had a dream that your subconscious took to bizarre location? i did this morning for sure. strange sexual content, not so much what was happening as another individual's response to it all. it was as though the other person in my dream asked to engage in these activities, but became upset with me for doing it. most peculiar.
just wanted to wake up because emotions become unpleasant.
so many times, i dream about sex and it is not really about it. my gut usually is my gauge. then again, i rely on my gut for most important decisions in my life. rational thought is so damn limited!
strange being such a physical creature. human being and all. we love to feel our bodies being touched by others and viewed as attractive, eat food, drink alcohol for effect, look for different flavors to consume, look at beautiful things, listen to music, etc. not that it is all sexual in nature because most of our feelings are not. Just a need as a human being. I remember being told once that being Catholic closely resembles a steak with a glass of red wine and a cigar afterwards. All very physical and human. hmmm... like that metaphor. it all seems to fit together in my gut. I know there it is again. remember, pinochio is still my favorite children's story. so check out of my favorite clips..
although we all know that naught little boys go to pleasure island and are turned into donkeys to work in salt mines! Tee hee! sorry, know it is dark, but hey hasn't every girl wished that at a moment in her life!
ok, all done for now. must return to my tasks for today.
have fun!
just wanted to wake up because emotions become unpleasant.
so many times, i dream about sex and it is not really about it. my gut usually is my gauge. then again, i rely on my gut for most important decisions in my life. rational thought is so damn limited!
strange being such a physical creature. human being and all. we love to feel our bodies being touched by others and viewed as attractive, eat food, drink alcohol for effect, look for different flavors to consume, look at beautiful things, listen to music, etc. not that it is all sexual in nature because most of our feelings are not. Just a need as a human being. I remember being told once that being Catholic closely resembles a steak with a glass of red wine and a cigar afterwards. All very physical and human. hmmm... like that metaphor. it all seems to fit together in my gut. I know there it is again. remember, pinochio is still my favorite children's story. so check out of my favorite clips..
although we all know that naught little boys go to pleasure island and are turned into donkeys to work in salt mines! Tee hee! sorry, know it is dark, but hey hasn't every girl wished that at a moment in her life!
ok, all done for now. must return to my tasks for today.
have fun!
Friday, October 27, 2006
first time i felt like writing in while..
Found myself wondering about committment this morning. Difficult to find in world and uncertain why, at moments.
sometimes we only want simple things out of life and yet these items can be so hard to find in world with other human beings.
all i want out of life (by now) is to have a family of my own. partner to share my life with and love, children to love and care for, connection to my own family and theirs, feel good about way i earn living, a few good friends, seeing new places when possible (adventure necessity), and some cool, funky acquaintances and activities in life. i know i would see myself as blessed if i left this earth knowing i had those things.
the part that is especially difficult for me is that all sounds so fabulous. to share your life with another, let someone inside and travel the journey together. maybe i am still an idealist even with my borderline jaded feelings that come up sometimes. it can be extremely painful when you want to bring someone into your life and the other person appears to be feeling the same way and a moment later they are pulling away or locking you out of their world. maybe attempting to establish their identity, but regardless taking it all to an extreme rather than accepting life and moving forward the best they can with what they have available to them. Especially when life seemed pretty good the way it sat. of course life is never perfect, but that is okay when i know there are at least a few items intact in my life.
Oh well, nothing else to say for now. i want to change the stars in my heart, but i i will just need to hold on and see what destiny has planned for me.
sometimes we only want simple things out of life and yet these items can be so hard to find in world with other human beings.
all i want out of life (by now) is to have a family of my own. partner to share my life with and love, children to love and care for, connection to my own family and theirs, feel good about way i earn living, a few good friends, seeing new places when possible (adventure necessity), and some cool, funky acquaintances and activities in life. i know i would see myself as blessed if i left this earth knowing i had those things.
the part that is especially difficult for me is that all sounds so fabulous. to share your life with another, let someone inside and travel the journey together. maybe i am still an idealist even with my borderline jaded feelings that come up sometimes. it can be extremely painful when you want to bring someone into your life and the other person appears to be feeling the same way and a moment later they are pulling away or locking you out of their world. maybe attempting to establish their identity, but regardless taking it all to an extreme rather than accepting life and moving forward the best they can with what they have available to them. Especially when life seemed pretty good the way it sat. of course life is never perfect, but that is okay when i know there are at least a few items intact in my life.
Oh well, nothing else to say for now. i want to change the stars in my heart, but i i will just need to hold on and see what destiny has planned for me.
Wednesday, October 25, 2006
Tuesday, October 24, 2006
One of my favorite scenes in a film.....
For my friend that does a fabulous Al Pacino immitation. Hats off! or should I say pith?
interesting scene from "Six Feet Under"
Triggers feelings of how we deal with our grief. Something a dear friend of mine is struggling with right now. This is for her healing process.
Sunday, October 22, 2006
Pictures from this past summer
I finally have figured out how to add pictures to site. Includes dad and my sister's graduation day. A little challenged that way at times, but persistent in attempting to figure stuff like that out!
giggle...
First pictures
These were some shots from a few trips ago to Seattle. I am the blondish person and the others include my nieces, my grandfather and lots of beautiful flowers. Love the orchids at the Arboretum.
Jean Basquiat
I remember the first time I saw Jean Basquiat's artwork several years ago. My niece was about 4 years old (now 20) and I worked at B. Dalton Books. I found a children's book that used his artwork to tell story.
I immediately emotionally registered with his primal artwork. As I found out more about his actual life, I understood the source of his inspiration. Sadly he was not able to cope with life very well and passed away at much too young an age. However, I will always see the beauty in what he left behind.
Thursday, October 19, 2006
is it love?
The feeling of love seems to be an idea that is mystifying me these days. I am not only speaking of romantic, but more likely "the real thing". Most realize that as you get older that love is something much deeper and has certain qualities that must be present in order to endure time. Love is literally a choice and committment. Love can be felt for significant other, good friend or family member, but varies depending on the type of relationship. For example, we can love our family members yet have a lot of difficulty getting along with them.
Love has changed for me so much over the past 5 years or so. I have not completely lost my sense of romantic love because I feel emotion when I witness the "the true thing" between people. It may be a simple gesture of a child toward their parent or the parent to child, honest to goodness friendship without motives or maybe genuine shows of committment between couples. Anything less than "the real thing" just doesn't quite hit home for me anymore. It does not invalidate the smaller gestures, but puts them in their place in the priorities of life. Sometimes we want to believe there is something deep and meaningful and find that it was not all we believed it to be.
Friendship is one of those items for me. I see people easily classify others as "friends" when it is clear that the other person does not care for anyone but themselves. Or classifying people that they have never met in person as friends. That is a bit bizarre for me as well. All the people I have considered friends along the way, are people that I have spent time with getting to know them. It is true that some of these folks have passed aways from my life (not necessarily from death, just changes) but I know for a brief period of time, I knew that person. At least at that moment in their life. Of course, everything is subject to change.
Physical gestures, acknowledgement of person, mutual respect, acceptance, committment and knowledge that that person will be there when the chips are down. When these things appear to be missing, it is very easy to question how real something may or may not be.
Maybe I have been a little uncertain about finding love in real life on the romantic end of spectrum. As humans, we are so afraid to actually love another individual because that requires letting another person into who you are. Essentially, letting them see the truth and hope that that person will treat you well with all that knowledge. Feeling like the other has "secrets" has also affected my fear of it. I am not speaking of the mystery that we all maintain as individuals because we need it so that the other person sees your amazing qualities and is surprised and drawn to you. I am speaking of secrets that can leave a person feeling excluded from an aspect of their significant others life. I have seen it happen to marriages and other relationships in past. The infamous quote "what they do not know will not hurt them." Love cannot be nurtured in deception nor can we live a dual life. Sooner or later it will drive us to madness. Maybe I wonder if it starts with a need to establish a personal identity because they are not secure in who they are yet. I see a small wedge developing in beginning and growing into something quite large if it is not examined. Sometimes the wedge starts because we need someone to talk to about our problems. As we continue to be intimate, we forget to "draw a line" or simply find ourselves crossing it till it has gone too far. Affairs happen everyday and are not particularly complicated things. No one is above the possibility of being involved in one either.
Small deceptions are often the beginning because we need to establish our identity and find ourselves liking the attention from other person. Not too mention the fact that the other person seems free and clear to open fliratation (feels harmless) with because they do not have any of the appearance of complications that the real person we are involved with has in our life. However, it is simply another deception because in our guts we usually know that this action is going to be harmful to ourselves and the people we care about. Yet the selfishness takes over and need to feel something different because other aspects of our lives are difficult or painful.
Not sure if anyone will read this blog or not, but these are some of my thought this early AM. It is likely that my mind will always run off like crazy at odd hours for the remainder of my life. I hope to gain more patience over time. That is the most difficult thing to find at certain moments. Sometimes I just want the people I care about to wake up one day and understand why an action may be hurtful to those that care about them. Sometimes you are the first relationship that wants the "real thing" and attempts to treat the person better than anyone else has appeared to in past. I attempt to show people respect and love that I care about because that is best indicator to the other that you care. Yet I have not always felt it returned. Not sure how to deal with these feelings right now. Must process......
Love has changed for me so much over the past 5 years or so. I have not completely lost my sense of romantic love because I feel emotion when I witness the "the true thing" between people. It may be a simple gesture of a child toward their parent or the parent to child, honest to goodness friendship without motives or maybe genuine shows of committment between couples. Anything less than "the real thing" just doesn't quite hit home for me anymore. It does not invalidate the smaller gestures, but puts them in their place in the priorities of life. Sometimes we want to believe there is something deep and meaningful and find that it was not all we believed it to be.
Friendship is one of those items for me. I see people easily classify others as "friends" when it is clear that the other person does not care for anyone but themselves. Or classifying people that they have never met in person as friends. That is a bit bizarre for me as well. All the people I have considered friends along the way, are people that I have spent time with getting to know them. It is true that some of these folks have passed aways from my life (not necessarily from death, just changes) but I know for a brief period of time, I knew that person. At least at that moment in their life. Of course, everything is subject to change.
Physical gestures, acknowledgement of person, mutual respect, acceptance, committment and knowledge that that person will be there when the chips are down. When these things appear to be missing, it is very easy to question how real something may or may not be.
Maybe I have been a little uncertain about finding love in real life on the romantic end of spectrum. As humans, we are so afraid to actually love another individual because that requires letting another person into who you are. Essentially, letting them see the truth and hope that that person will treat you well with all that knowledge. Feeling like the other has "secrets" has also affected my fear of it. I am not speaking of the mystery that we all maintain as individuals because we need it so that the other person sees your amazing qualities and is surprised and drawn to you. I am speaking of secrets that can leave a person feeling excluded from an aspect of their significant others life. I have seen it happen to marriages and other relationships in past. The infamous quote "what they do not know will not hurt them." Love cannot be nurtured in deception nor can we live a dual life. Sooner or later it will drive us to madness. Maybe I wonder if it starts with a need to establish a personal identity because they are not secure in who they are yet. I see a small wedge developing in beginning and growing into something quite large if it is not examined. Sometimes the wedge starts because we need someone to talk to about our problems. As we continue to be intimate, we forget to "draw a line" or simply find ourselves crossing it till it has gone too far. Affairs happen everyday and are not particularly complicated things. No one is above the possibility of being involved in one either.
Small deceptions are often the beginning because we need to establish our identity and find ourselves liking the attention from other person. Not too mention the fact that the other person seems free and clear to open fliratation (feels harmless) with because they do not have any of the appearance of complications that the real person we are involved with has in our life. However, it is simply another deception because in our guts we usually know that this action is going to be harmful to ourselves and the people we care about. Yet the selfishness takes over and need to feel something different because other aspects of our lives are difficult or painful.
Not sure if anyone will read this blog or not, but these are some of my thought this early AM. It is likely that my mind will always run off like crazy at odd hours for the remainder of my life. I hope to gain more patience over time. That is the most difficult thing to find at certain moments. Sometimes I just want the people I care about to wake up one day and understand why an action may be hurtful to those that care about them. Sometimes you are the first relationship that wants the "real thing" and attempts to treat the person better than anyone else has appeared to in past. I attempt to show people respect and love that I care about because that is best indicator to the other that you care. Yet I have not always felt it returned. Not sure how to deal with these feelings right now. Must process......
Wednesday, October 11, 2006
Maybe........
I just read a blog regarding the subject of fear. How paralyzing it can be and such.....
I am in midst of a strange spot in my life. Unemployment has been visiting the past few weeks and has left me wondering if maybe it is a sign that I need to make a significant change. Possibly a career change. Uncertain.
I am 35 years old and have a significant mortgage. Taking care of my relationship is also important to me. My significant other is attempting to complete school right now as well. To balance my needs with these others is the task at hand.
The funny thing is that I liked what I did for a living, but I am seriously beginning to wonder if God is trying to tell me something. I have always required "being thrown up against a brick wall" before I would listen to him in past. Now does not seem much different.
I see the importance of taking care of myself because in the past I have allowed my needs to be neglected in favor of someone elses. There is good to be found in this action because learning to be unselfish is extremely important in life. That is truly the path toward honest to goodness love. Not love based on selfishness or obsession, but on truth. However, I have sacrificed too much of myself for others and have paid dearly for it.
Maybe I have just wanted to be loved for who am as person with all my beauties and flaws.
Maybe I have carried a sadness inside me that I have attempted to hide from others with the appearance of being in control, occasionally cracking jokes about my life and coldness.
Maybe I do not experience an identifiable emotion to others when stressful situations occur.
Maybe I have felt a little insane at certain moments in my life. Maybe I am extremely sensitive to certain topics such as pedophilia. Maybe there are moments I want to cry when I see a child mistreated and hurt the adult mistreating the child.
Maybe I want to protect and stand up for everyone I care about when they are not being shown respect by others.
Maybe I have the need to defend those that no one wishes to defend or protect.
Maybe I love with a lot of passion and loyalty and wish others showed me some more of that at moments.
Maybe I am a bit of a soldier in the way I deal with my life.
Maybe I believe that there are times in life when we must all stand up for what we believe and be willing to fight or defend those ideas.
Maybe I have pushed past my fears and learned to work through those scary moments.
Maybe I am emotionally weak at moments and a tower of strength at other moments.
Maybe there is no maybe but definiteness (is that a word?) to those things(LOL!!).
Darn't I have gone off on rant again. Must return to original thought.
I am going (almost wrote "gong" not going, Gong Show, ok kind of silly joke) to do some research re: other possibilities in careers. It is not that I have given up on what I have been doing, but I may need to seriously consider a change. I have a feeling this all is connected with some insecurities I am battling with right now. However, I have made it through much and know that I will make it through this tough patch.
Maybe.....(just kidding!)_
I am in midst of a strange spot in my life. Unemployment has been visiting the past few weeks and has left me wondering if maybe it is a sign that I need to make a significant change. Possibly a career change. Uncertain.
I am 35 years old and have a significant mortgage. Taking care of my relationship is also important to me. My significant other is attempting to complete school right now as well. To balance my needs with these others is the task at hand.
The funny thing is that I liked what I did for a living, but I am seriously beginning to wonder if God is trying to tell me something. I have always required "being thrown up against a brick wall" before I would listen to him in past. Now does not seem much different.
I see the importance of taking care of myself because in the past I have allowed my needs to be neglected in favor of someone elses. There is good to be found in this action because learning to be unselfish is extremely important in life. That is truly the path toward honest to goodness love. Not love based on selfishness or obsession, but on truth. However, I have sacrificed too much of myself for others and have paid dearly for it.
Maybe I have just wanted to be loved for who am as person with all my beauties and flaws.
Maybe I have carried a sadness inside me that I have attempted to hide from others with the appearance of being in control, occasionally cracking jokes about my life and coldness.
Maybe I do not experience an identifiable emotion to others when stressful situations occur.
Maybe I have felt a little insane at certain moments in my life. Maybe I am extremely sensitive to certain topics such as pedophilia. Maybe there are moments I want to cry when I see a child mistreated and hurt the adult mistreating the child.
Maybe I want to protect and stand up for everyone I care about when they are not being shown respect by others.
Maybe I have the need to defend those that no one wishes to defend or protect.
Maybe I love with a lot of passion and loyalty and wish others showed me some more of that at moments.
Maybe I am a bit of a soldier in the way I deal with my life.
Maybe I believe that there are times in life when we must all stand up for what we believe and be willing to fight or defend those ideas.
Maybe I have pushed past my fears and learned to work through those scary moments.
Maybe I am emotionally weak at moments and a tower of strength at other moments.
Maybe there is no maybe but definiteness (is that a word?) to those things(LOL!!).
Darn't I have gone off on rant again. Must return to original thought.
I am going (almost wrote "gong" not going, Gong Show, ok kind of silly joke) to do some research re: other possibilities in careers. It is not that I have given up on what I have been doing, but I may need to seriously consider a change. I have a feeling this all is connected with some insecurities I am battling with right now. However, I have made it through much and know that I will make it through this tough patch.
Maybe.....(just kidding!)_
Tuesday, October 03, 2006
babysitting children
So I have been helping my significant other with his job of babysitting his niece and nephews. I seem to fit right into that domestic mode with children. It is sometimes peculiar and strangley natural to me to care for children. In the past, I have taken care of more than a few and always enjoyed the work of it all. I used to love to drive my niece and her friends around when she was in middle school. The opportunity to pull out of my self and need to care for someone other than myself has always been a refreshing feeling.
Feeling a little tired from day.......very busy./
but feeling pretty good about life right now. Everything really will be okay.
Feeling a little tired from day.......very busy./
but feeling pretty good about life right now. Everything really will be okay.
Tuesday, September 26, 2006
setting up house
The last few weeks I have been slowly moving into house just purchased. It has been both stressful and fabuolous at the same time. Most peculiar feeling at moments. It is a lovely little home with so much potential. I believe it has been beneficial to me.
Andy(aka Kowboi) and myself are now officially living together. Everything seems good between us and I think we both feel happy with our relationship. It is imperfect enough that it feels very real. I have never chosen a companion based on compatibility expectations, but I have always looked to the heart and soul of the person. I saw Andy's heart and giving nature and knew he was the right man for me. It is also fortunate because we appear to want a lot of the same things out of life. Strange how life accidentally throws us into something that we are initially afraid/skeptical of, but end up realizing that it was a blessing. Wonderful aspect of it all!
I started to train again in acting and am enjoying it thus far. I am going to prepare a monologue for next meeting and hopefully be chosen to perform it at function. We shall see. Such a rush to be do all that acting stuff! Major fun in my book!
Maybe life is coming together in a whole new way. Possibly being reinvented.....
Just waiting for results of reinvention!
Tee hee!
Andy(aka Kowboi) and myself are now officially living together. Everything seems good between us and I think we both feel happy with our relationship. It is imperfect enough that it feels very real. I have never chosen a companion based on compatibility expectations, but I have always looked to the heart and soul of the person. I saw Andy's heart and giving nature and knew he was the right man for me. It is also fortunate because we appear to want a lot of the same things out of life. Strange how life accidentally throws us into something that we are initially afraid/skeptical of, but end up realizing that it was a blessing. Wonderful aspect of it all!
I started to train again in acting and am enjoying it thus far. I am going to prepare a monologue for next meeting and hopefully be chosen to perform it at function. We shall see. Such a rush to be do all that acting stuff! Major fun in my book!
Maybe life is coming together in a whole new way. Possibly being reinvented.....
Just waiting for results of reinvention!
Tee hee!
Thursday, September 14, 2006
Saturday, September 09, 2006
Changes, Control & St. Mary Magdalena
Yesterday, I experienced a significant change in my life. Something that I counted on and thought was okay, was ended without my consent. Each time one of those moments have occurred in my life, it has always reminded me how little control we have over our lives. I have witnessed myself attempt to control my life through various means for many years now. However, in the past 8 years or so, it has become abundantly clear that my attempts were based on an illusion.
Control has been an area of struggle in my life. I sought "to control" what I could because it became obvious to me early on in my life that the world/life/people were in midst of chaos. So I went on strange journey seeking to manage myself in extreme situations, at times. I developed a strange wisdom from my struggles with control. I have seen quite a few kids dealing with their own feelings of lack of control over their lives. Maybe I have been helpful to these children that I have cared for at different periods of my life because of my experiences. Maybe I will be better with my own children someday for these experiences.
Last night I read the prayer on the back of St. Maria Madalena. Paraphrased: when others were ready to condemn her, Jesus accepted her with all her imperfections and she in turn accepted him. To think she was a prostitute that the people were ready to stone to death and Jesus stood up for her without fear of judgment. I think he was quoted as saying "he who is free of sin may cast the first stone." Everyone walked away from her and left her on the ground. Jesus reached for her and helped her up.
Now I told the above story because loss of control and unexpected changes in life seem to fit into this category. Those situtations can temporarily strip your confidence and leave one feeling heavily judged by others. Humans are often guilty of harsh judgements of each other and ourselves as well. I see how judged I feel right now even though it is not completely rational in ways. I am attempting to keep track of the good that is in my life right now and knowing in my heart that everything truly does happen for a reason.
The good things in my life: life/house/home with Andy, my friends and family, Abigail (my dog), my faith that seems to endure though shaken at times and possibilities for future. I remember the things that make my smile. Watching Abigail run around and play, Andy's silly sense of humor and child-like energy for life, hearing my niece laugh and talk, dancing with my sister, singing with my family, karaoke with Nicki, Wayne's World (always makes me laugh), sky at night when the trees look almost black, snow covered mountains, my memories with my grandparents & few thoughts about my brother that make me chuckle when I remember him.
Well, I think I am done for now.
There will likely be more thoughts in future.
Control has been an area of struggle in my life. I sought "to control" what I could because it became obvious to me early on in my life that the world/life/people were in midst of chaos. So I went on strange journey seeking to manage myself in extreme situations, at times. I developed a strange wisdom from my struggles with control. I have seen quite a few kids dealing with their own feelings of lack of control over their lives. Maybe I have been helpful to these children that I have cared for at different periods of my life because of my experiences. Maybe I will be better with my own children someday for these experiences.
Last night I read the prayer on the back of St. Maria Madalena. Paraphrased: when others were ready to condemn her, Jesus accepted her with all her imperfections and she in turn accepted him. To think she was a prostitute that the people were ready to stone to death and Jesus stood up for her without fear of judgment. I think he was quoted as saying "he who is free of sin may cast the first stone." Everyone walked away from her and left her on the ground. Jesus reached for her and helped her up.
Now I told the above story because loss of control and unexpected changes in life seem to fit into this category. Those situtations can temporarily strip your confidence and leave one feeling heavily judged by others. Humans are often guilty of harsh judgements of each other and ourselves as well. I see how judged I feel right now even though it is not completely rational in ways. I am attempting to keep track of the good that is in my life right now and knowing in my heart that everything truly does happen for a reason.
The good things in my life: life/house/home with Andy, my friends and family, Abigail (my dog), my faith that seems to endure though shaken at times and possibilities for future. I remember the things that make my smile. Watching Abigail run around and play, Andy's silly sense of humor and child-like energy for life, hearing my niece laugh and talk, dancing with my sister, singing with my family, karaoke with Nicki, Wayne's World (always makes me laugh), sky at night when the trees look almost black, snow covered mountains, my memories with my grandparents & few thoughts about my brother that make me chuckle when I remember him.
Well, I think I am done for now.
There will likely be more thoughts in future.
Saturday, August 05, 2006
home purchase & misc
So this is my first entry in few weeks. I think I fell into one of my modes of not wanting to document my feelings. Not sure of origin of these periods, but do occur on occasion. However, I am going to move past it right now.
I think my professional life may finally be settling down. It was very stressful for the last month and a half or so. Difficulty with co-workers and general frustration with environment. Witnessing massive inconsistencies in allowed behaviors was irritating the hell out of me. Although, I have a feeling in my gut based on conversation with "higher up" that situation will be dealt with and that they are happy with my work. I knew I was good at my job, but some ongoing stress from a few months ago, affected my ability to focus at times. A stressor that is much better now that a few issues have been resolved.
Maybe I should acknowledge what the "stressor" is rather than be cryptic. Divorce is never a pleasant topic, but something many of us have dealt with in our lives. No matter how clean or clear your feelings are surrounding that person, it is extremely difficult to manage in mind and heart. For me it was scary/sad/maddening/frustrating to admit that all my attempts to keep the relationship together were never going to alter the essential problems in it. It was quite literally beyond my control or ability to care for another human being. There was simply too much unresolved anger and fear in his past for me to ever reach him. Thus, we have a situation where the division grew over time and it became more difficult to forgive the cruel statements, threats to leave me, attempts to isolate me from my family in his moments of insane insecurity. I was always very forgiving of the insecurities because I understood my own so well. I felt like he needed to be shown mercy/love/etc. and provided opportunity to move on past his internal struggles. The problem was that he has a very difficult time reciprocating those virtues to me. There were times it left me feeling so empty that I just wanted to disappear and asked God to let me pass away from this existence. I know how that may sound, but I reached a point that touched on despair. I would pray to God and the intersession of the saints, but unfortunately, I was just too worn out by then. When I told him that I was leaving, I felt so sad for him. He broke down in tears in front of me, but all my love for him had dissolved by that point. It was just too late. I felt sad for him, but I knew he was not going to be able to change those parts of him that caused me so much pain over those 5 yrs rapidly enough for me to hold on anymore. It was done and all I wanted to do was pick up pieces and move on with my life. The last time I emailed him, I told him that I would always remember what was good and the fun we had together in our relationship. I knew he was a good person at heart even though I could not be with him anymore. I stated my regrets for what I did wrong and told him we would probably never speak or see each other in life again. He understood and that was end.
I am not angry with him anymore. The hurt has become irrelevant and is in process healing inside me. Unfortunately, the scars from the hurt are still visible at moments, but I know they are currently under construction. That is okay in my opinion right now. I have watched the movie "Upside of Anger" about a zillion times over last 6 months. I sympathized with the lead female very much. A man she becomes involved with through friendship tells her that she can love again, but that the hurt heals a little funny and you walk with a limp for a while. Yet it does not disqualify your ability to come back around to love. I paraphrased the line, but that is what it meant to me. I do walk with a limp "emotionally" at moments, but I also walk very strong and certain at other moments. I know that I will be okay and that my life is really good now. I have someone that I have fallen heavy and he is bloody amazing in my book! We have some tough areas between us, but I think we have something really special together with so much potential as well.
I am in process of purchasing a house right now and am very excited about it. It is what I have intended to do since moving back from Seattle. I feel like I am making my life better in ways and that God is providing for me as well. I will always stand by my faith because I know that there is one place that I will always be accepted and shown mercy for who I am no matter what I have done in my life or struggle with inside myself. I also feel that I have been provided with a few good friends that really care about my well being and I about theirs. All very good stuff. I laugh so much more often now and feel so much better these days. Like the direction my life has taken and have much hope for future.
all for now.
I think my professional life may finally be settling down. It was very stressful for the last month and a half or so. Difficulty with co-workers and general frustration with environment. Witnessing massive inconsistencies in allowed behaviors was irritating the hell out of me. Although, I have a feeling in my gut based on conversation with "higher up" that situation will be dealt with and that they are happy with my work. I knew I was good at my job, but some ongoing stress from a few months ago, affected my ability to focus at times. A stressor that is much better now that a few issues have been resolved.
Maybe I should acknowledge what the "stressor" is rather than be cryptic. Divorce is never a pleasant topic, but something many of us have dealt with in our lives. No matter how clean or clear your feelings are surrounding that person, it is extremely difficult to manage in mind and heart. For me it was scary/sad/maddening/frustrating to admit that all my attempts to keep the relationship together were never going to alter the essential problems in it. It was quite literally beyond my control or ability to care for another human being. There was simply too much unresolved anger and fear in his past for me to ever reach him. Thus, we have a situation where the division grew over time and it became more difficult to forgive the cruel statements, threats to leave me, attempts to isolate me from my family in his moments of insane insecurity. I was always very forgiving of the insecurities because I understood my own so well. I felt like he needed to be shown mercy/love/etc. and provided opportunity to move on past his internal struggles. The problem was that he has a very difficult time reciprocating those virtues to me. There were times it left me feeling so empty that I just wanted to disappear and asked God to let me pass away from this existence. I know how that may sound, but I reached a point that touched on despair. I would pray to God and the intersession of the saints, but unfortunately, I was just too worn out by then. When I told him that I was leaving, I felt so sad for him. He broke down in tears in front of me, but all my love for him had dissolved by that point. It was just too late. I felt sad for him, but I knew he was not going to be able to change those parts of him that caused me so much pain over those 5 yrs rapidly enough for me to hold on anymore. It was done and all I wanted to do was pick up pieces and move on with my life. The last time I emailed him, I told him that I would always remember what was good and the fun we had together in our relationship. I knew he was a good person at heart even though I could not be with him anymore. I stated my regrets for what I did wrong and told him we would probably never speak or see each other in life again. He understood and that was end.
I am not angry with him anymore. The hurt has become irrelevant and is in process healing inside me. Unfortunately, the scars from the hurt are still visible at moments, but I know they are currently under construction. That is okay in my opinion right now. I have watched the movie "Upside of Anger" about a zillion times over last 6 months. I sympathized with the lead female very much. A man she becomes involved with through friendship tells her that she can love again, but that the hurt heals a little funny and you walk with a limp for a while. Yet it does not disqualify your ability to come back around to love. I paraphrased the line, but that is what it meant to me. I do walk with a limp "emotionally" at moments, but I also walk very strong and certain at other moments. I know that I will be okay and that my life is really good now. I have someone that I have fallen heavy and he is bloody amazing in my book! We have some tough areas between us, but I think we have something really special together with so much potential as well.
I am in process of purchasing a house right now and am very excited about it. It is what I have intended to do since moving back from Seattle. I feel like I am making my life better in ways and that God is providing for me as well. I will always stand by my faith because I know that there is one place that I will always be accepted and shown mercy for who I am no matter what I have done in my life or struggle with inside myself. I also feel that I have been provided with a few good friends that really care about my well being and I about theirs. All very good stuff. I laugh so much more often now and feel so much better these days. Like the direction my life has taken and have much hope for future.
all for now.
Wednesday, July 19, 2006
My First HNT! Eeeek!
Friday, July 07, 2006
house hunting
So I have concluded to purchase a home. Specifically an older home with character and yard (within my budget, of course). Something I have intended since my return to Fresno 5 years ago.
I love sitting in backyard on a porch swing with my dog "Abigail". Mostly she hangs out by me or falls asleep on lap. That is unless she see birds in yard and she charges after them. Very speedy little girl. Fortunate, she is in good place right now because my beau was very generous to take her in while I attempted to find house. Abigail developed a liking for him almost immediately. He definitely has good ju ju (sp?)! The equivelant of having your child like a person is what I base Abigail's reaction on.
Have a bit to do today so I will stop for now. Although, I will say that we went to see "Pirates of Caribbean (new one)" last night with Jayne. Very fun. Jayne is so much fun to chat with too. Good perspective on people as well. Another new & interesting female friend. Very cool!
I love sitting in backyard on a porch swing with my dog "Abigail". Mostly she hangs out by me or falls asleep on lap. That is unless she see birds in yard and she charges after them. Very speedy little girl. Fortunate, she is in good place right now because my beau was very generous to take her in while I attempted to find house. Abigail developed a liking for him almost immediately. He definitely has good ju ju (sp?)! The equivelant of having your child like a person is what I base Abigail's reaction on.
Have a bit to do today so I will stop for now. Although, I will say that we went to see "Pirates of Caribbean (new one)" last night with Jayne. Very fun. Jayne is so much fun to chat with too. Good perspective on people as well. Another new & interesting female friend. Very cool!
Saturday, July 01, 2006
FIRST OFFICIAL BLOG
So eggs are being cooked in kitchen...yummy! love them over easy so you can sop up yolk w/ toast. Although, soft-cooked eggs on toast on pretty tasteo as well! Souffles are tough to pull off & need to be served immediately. I made my dad a souffle one summer when I stayed with him. I was sixteen at time. I served homemade cheesecake with it. He was most impressed.
I am feeling pretty good today. A little spacey, but manageable just the same. Last night, Andy & I spent the evening with Marcel. Good conversation at Veni Vidi Vici & Lipari's. Love to chat with people.
Looks like my fabulous eggs are ready. must eat.
all for now.....
I am feeling pretty good today. A little spacey, but manageable just the same. Last night, Andy & I spent the evening with Marcel. Good conversation at Veni Vidi Vici & Lipari's. Love to chat with people.
Looks like my fabulous eggs are ready. must eat.
all for now.....
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